I Thought I Knew the Answer About Relapse

I was online the other day and saw a question asked, “Are relapses expected during recovery?”

At first, I was surprised by the number of loved ones that said they are not a part of recovery.

After further thought, I understood the views the partners were expressing.

There’s a lot of hurt in the world of addiction.

There’s a lot of healing in the orbit of addicts.

Recovery and healing aren’t linear. There are peaks and valleys in both. Add in relational trauma, and things become even more complex.

I believe there are people who can quit using, get into a recovery program, support group, counseling, or whatever works for them, and not have another setback. But many people find that recovery isn't quite that straightforward.

I was clean from cocaine for nearly two years, then had a setback and haven’t touched it for over thirty years.

My ex-husband struggled with pornography addiction in the beginning until he found tools that worked for him and achieved long-term sobriety. What ultimately ended our marriage wasn't a lack of sobriety, but a lack of emotional sobriety.

Many of us in recovery need to:

• Rewire our brains toward healthier thinking

• Figure out our triggers

• Explore why we started out using (which can be multifaceted)

• Learn how to live without our coping mechanisms

That doesn’t happen the moment we choose to quit using. I truly wish it did. It took me nearly fifteen years to get emotionally sober.

I had to learn how to stop white-knuckling my way through recovery and learning to feel my feelings. All of them: the good, the bad, and the average, without letting them hijack my brain.

I learned to:

• Regulate my emotions without numbing out

• Handle stress, conflict, disappointment, and other similar emotions without a meltdown

• Stay calm, confident, and peaceful, no matter what chaos swirls around me

To put it simply:

Physical sobriety is putting down your DOC.

Emotional sobriety is putting down the drama.

That doesn’t mean that relapses are “okay” and we sweep them under the rug like “meh” no big deal, this shit happens.

Instead, we need to have a plan in place to prevent a setback:

• Know your triggers

• Be aware of slippery slope behaviors

• Have a healthy support system

• Have a treatment plan in place

If a setback occurs:

• Who is our accountability partner? (Not our loved one)

• What was the trigger?

• How can we prevent this from happening next time? Were there signs leading up to the setback?

• Do we need to let our loved one know? (Not all loved ones want to know.)

• What are the agreed boundaries when a slip happens? What will we do if a boundary is crossed? Do we need space, a change in the recovery plan, or to live separately?

For partners, we also need to have a plan in place in case there’s a setback:

• Who can we reach out to for support?

• What are our boundaries? Is a setback something we can accept? What will we do if setbacks continue or a boundary is crossed?

• What information (if any) do you want to know about the setback?

• What self-care tools can you use?

I don't believe setbacks are inevitable, and I don't believe they're harmless. What I do believe is that we need to have plans for our recovery and plans for our healing. We also need to have healthy boundaries we can maintain without feeling guilty.

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