Aftermath of Betrayal Trauma: Trusting Your Instincts

One of the first things I lost during my husband’s active addiction was the ability to trust my instincts. Instincts help us make quick decisions and keep us safe. Many of us know that feeling: walking alone in a parking lot, spotting someone suspicious, and getting that “strange feeling.” Maybe it’s a pit in your stomach, chills on your arms, or a voice in your head saying “something’s off.” That’s your brain sending an SOS, warning you to be cautious.

Living with an active pornography addict made me doubt if what my instincts were telling me was true. I was being deceived by someone I trusted and loved. When I walked into a room and heard the frantic clicks of a mouse, I knew what that meant. He was closing out pornography windows. Sometimes I’d even see it, but by the time he finished explaining, I was convinced I hadn’t seen what I knew I saw. I’d been gaslit into questioning my reality.

After disclosure, I was determined to learn how to trust my instincts again. But first, I had to understand our natural responses and forgive myself for not acting sooner. I carried so much guilt and shame for not standing up for myself when his addiction was at its worst, and for not protecting my children from his angry outbursts. I was simply trying to survive an environment I didn’t fully understand.

Understanding Instinctual Response Modes

Our bodies respond to perceived threats in a few different ways. Recognizing these responses helps us understand our instincts better.

Fight Mode:
When we perceive confrontation as the best course of action, we may become defensive or aggressive. Adrenaline kicks in, muscles tense, and our heart rate increases.

Flight Mode:
In flight mode, we instinctively want to escape the threat. This may look like avoiding confrontation or withdrawing from a difficult situation.

Freeze Mode:
When neither fight nor flight feels safe, we may freeze. We become stuck, unable to think or move, our body immobilized as we hope the threat passes unnoticed.

Fawn Mode:
Fawning is a way of placating the threat by making ourselves agreeable or non-threatening. We may exhibit people-pleasing behaviors, become overly compliant, or neglect our own needs to avoid conflict.

Do you see yourself in one or more of these modes? I know I went through several during the worst of my husband’s addiction.

Recognizing When You’re Stuck in “Survival Mode”

For months, I found myself hypervigilant, constantly on high alert. I’d been part of an online forum where negativity and anxiety thrived, and it was adding to my stress.

I wanted to be one of those people who had moved on and was living a thriving life. I knew I needed to change my environment to reduce stress and regain a sense of peace.

Why does this matter for trusting your instincts? Because eliminating unnecessary stressors helps your brain reset, allowing your instincts to come through clearly again. Our brains start reacting to everything as a threat, and we lose the ability to distinguish real danger from false alarms.

Where to Begin

Notice Your SOS Signals

Pay attention when your body sends out those “strange feelings.” Acknowledge the message and ask yourself why it’s happening. Awareness is the first step to rebuilding trust in yourself.

Balance Instincts with Logic

Your instincts may not always seem logical, but that doesn’t mean they’re wrong. They’re often based on subtle cues and experiences that your conscious mind may not recognize. Review situations logically but keep your gut feeling in mind as part of your decision-making process.

Reclaiming Your Inner Voice

Rebuilding trust in your instincts is like forming a new relationship with yourself. It takes time, patience, and self-awareness, but with practice, it becomes easier.

Give yourself grace as you rebuild that trust and remember: you are learning to listen to your own voice again.

Let’s Stay Connected

If this resonates with you, I’d really love to know. You can comment below or email me. You’re also invited to join other Bookenders on Reddit.

And if you’re looking for deeper exercises, I wrote Bookends of Recovery & Healing Workbook to help you heal from betrayal trauma and addiction by using creative exercises, action tools, and guided reflection.

Warmly,
Laura 🌻