Am I a Terrible Person?

It’s funny, when I was living with my ex, it was easy to establish and maintain boundaries. Well, once I got the hang of healthy boundaries.

Now that we’re apart, I’m finding emotional boundaries around what role I still play in his life more challenging to maintain.

You’d think a few hundred miles between us would make maintaining boundaries easier. There’s already a physical boundary between us. But without the day-to-day structure of living together, I surprisingly felt that old familiar tug of “Oh no, he’s lonely…let me comfort him!”

He went from no communication and passive-aggressiveness to texting about random things.

“How do I make this meal?”

“I remember when you made this and did it this way.”

“Who did you use to landscape?”

Why did these random questions pull at me?

I felt almost an obligation to answer.

Was it me trying to remain civil? Hanging onto the hope that we’d somehow manage to remain friends after the divorce?

Or worse, staying in contact so the financial support he’s providing from a distance doesn’t suddenly stop.

I’m surprised how quickly I was tempted to log into the Ring and see what the yard looked like. How bad had it gotten? But I know myself. If I’m feeling this confused about my feelings, I may end up doing more than a cursory glance.

It’s possible my unhealthy voice would chime in and tell me to “just check” what he’s been up to. His comings and goings.

That’s a pathway I don’t want to travel down again.

Instead, I reminded myself of the pendulum image I used when I struggled to maintain holding space and detach with love.

I saw the pendulum where it needed to be…right in the middle. I remembered what was on either end: complete unemotional detachment or enmeshment. Neither is healthy for me, but staying in the middle and feeling something is still okay.

Okay, so, no getting wrapped up in the need to rescue. No Ring. No turning off my emotions or enmeshment.

Still, I’m left with an ugly but honest truth: a part of me is scared not to respond. If I stop responding, could he decide to stop helping me financially? And if that fear is influencing my decision to respond, does that mean I’m misleading him? Does it make me a terrible person?

Or is there more here to unpack?

As I put my thoughts on trial and then play the script until the end, I realize that I’m catastrophizing. It’s possible the financial support stops, but it’s unlikely. It’s his credit too. Even if it did, I know I’d be okay. My world won’t come crashing down. It would be tough, but not catastrophic…which is where my mind wants to lead me.

I have to remember that responding to a text is not misleading. Being emotionally intimate can be.

Telling him who landscaped the yard is one thing. Reminiscing about the day we planted the azaleas and the dreams we had for the front yard is quite another.

I need to stay mindful of that and true to my intentions.

My responses have been factual, not emotional. When it took more than a cursory search to find something, I stopped. He’s a grown man capable of doing things on his own. I’m not “that” person for him anymore.

I need to remember my new saying, “His dumpster fire, not my marshmallows.” My reminder to stay focused on my actions and reactions, not his.

I feel like I’ve had to tap into so many things I learned after disclosure during this separation. Things I thought I’d left behind or at least wouldn’t need to think about again.

Instead, I’m finding that memories are surfacing, tools are being utilized, and my emotional sobriety is being tested.

It’s okay though.

I’m a constant work in progress. I have a feeling that learning boundaries don’t care if I’m 20 feet away or 200 miles away is just one of many lessons this divorce has waiting for me.

Let’s Stay Connected

If this resonates with you, I’d really love to know. You can comment below or email me. You’re also invited to join other Bookenders on Reddit.

And if you’re looking for deeper exercises, I wrote Bookends of Recovery & Healing Workbook to help you heal from betrayal trauma and addiction by using creative exercises, action tools, and guided reflection.

Warmly,
Laura 🌻