An Exercise: Finding Inner Safety & Peace | Betrayal Trauma Healing

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting these last few months. It’s caused me to look back on the beginning of my healing from betrayal trauma and learning about emotional sobriety.

I’ve shared before about how I burned the candle at both ends. I wanted to heal and learn how to manage my emotions RIGHT NOW. So I did everything. If someone said, “Hey, Lau, have you read anything by Melody Beattie?” Umm, no…she talks about codependency…duh…” But everything else, hells yeah.

I was reading it, doing a workbook on it, bringing it up in counseling, or with my sponsor (cause she was cool like that); I was all about it. Then I crashed and burned because you can’t have that many plates spinning in the air without one or ten crashing at your feet.

A few years later, I learned about a fun, visual exercise about filling in a house and then tried it with my group. They loved it. All you need is a pen, paper, and a bit of imagination. And if you want, you can add a pop of color.

If that’s not your thing, that’s okay; simply write it down. You can adapt this exercise to fit your learning style.

For this, I’ll talk about how we did it in group, and I’ll share some of my answers, both then and now. But as I go through it, think about what your house might look like. Your answers don’t have to look anything like mine.

When you first look at a house, it’s pretty simple, right? Windows, a door, a chimney.

In this drawing, different parts of the house ask about values, support people, behaviors we want to change, emotions we want more of, and the hopes and dreams we have for our life.

And that’s why I love this exercise so much. Its simplicity made me think. The bare bones of the structure of the house were a representation of me at the core.

What's going on inside my own house?

Back in the day, I could’ve probably filled out my ex’s house better than my own. Or at least I thought I could. That’s how enmeshed I was with him at the time. (Notice the use of enmeshed, not codependent).

And maybe you recognize some of that. Not necessarily with a partner or addiction, either. Sometimes we can get so focused on what’s happening around us, or with someone else, that we haven’t stopped to ask what’s happening inside our own house.

Foundation: What matters to me? What values do I want underneath the life I'm building?

I remember looking at the foundation first. As you know, the beach or any body of water really is my happy place. And I felt like my foundation kept eroding away. Like it was built on sand.

I realized that during the worst of my then-husband’s addiction, I’d lost myself. My moral compass had been tested time and time again. I wanted to make it clear to myself how important it was to hold onto my values, no matter who else was around. I needed to do that for me.

Now I keep that foundation solid by doing something for my recovery and healing every day.

Your foundation might look completely different from mine. That’s kind of the point. What matters enough to you that you want it underneath everything else?

Closet Door: What am I still figuring out?

Next up, the closet. It was more like what I wasn’t trying to figure out. So much was going on in my brain. I decided to make this a bit broad. I put heal from betrayal trauma. So, yeah, pretty broad.

Now, though, I think I’m figuring out who I am today post-disclosure, post-healing from betrayal trauma, now separated, and yet still experiencing footprints of trauma.

It’s an interesting journey.

And I like that there’s a place in this house for things we haven’t figured out yet. You don’t have to have an answer. Sometimes “I don’t know yet” really is the answer.

Front Door: What opportunity am I excited for?

I like the idea of a door being an opportunity instead of a way out. So, I wanted my pain to matter. I wanted my mistakes to matter. Not because they were wrong, but because they were normal. I made myself a promise: I would help other people in any way that I could. That was and still is an opportunity I’m excited about.

And opportunity doesn’t have to mean some enormous life change. Maybe there’s simply something you’re curious about, something you want to try, or a door you’re finally ready to crack open a little bit.

Window of Feelings: What feelings would I like more room for?

Back then, I wanted more room for self-compassion. I think I still do. I find that when I’m anxious or stressed, that’s when my ANTs tend to flare, which makes my self-compassion take a nosedive. So, I have to be mindful of BLAST/HALT during those moments.

Maybe yours isn’t self-compassion. Maybe there’s an emotion you haven’t felt like you’ve had much room for lately. Peace. Anger. Excitement. Even uncertainty. There’s no right answer here.

Window of Change: What patterns or behaviors am I ready to look at?

After disclosure, it’s no secret I struggled with hypervigilance. I was addicted to his addiction, for sure.

Now, I’m starting to see that there are pieces of myself that have become dormant. Like a hibernating bear. They’re still within me; they simply need to be woken up again. That’s an exciting idea for me.

Change doesn’t necessarily mean there’s something wrong with us, either. Sometimes it’s simply noticing something that worked for us once and realizing it doesn’t fit quite as well anymore.

Window of Joy: What feels good, meaningful, or worth noticing?

At first, it was challenging for me to find much joy in anything. I was lost, confused, and in so much pain. Slowly, though, I started to do things that made me happy, like gardening, going to Zumba, dancing while doing chores, singing really loud in my car, taking baths…and not feeling guilty about it. And slowly, I picked up hobbies too.

Now, of course, you know my hobbies. Fish and birds, anyone?

Joy doesn’t have to be profound. Sometimes it’s the really small stuff. What are the things you do where, even for a little while, you feel like yourself?

Window of Hopes: What am I hoping for now?

I remember when I did this with my group, one member hoped to move on from us. My initial thought was, “Oh no!” Of course, that’s not what she meant. She meant she wanted to heal enough that she wouldn’t need to attend anymore. When she came in a few months later and said it would be her last month, it was bittersweet, but ultimately, we were very happy for her.

That’s what I hope for now. More people just like her.

Your hope doesn’t have to be something you know how to get to yet. This is just the window where you get to look out and imagine it.

Window of Reflections: What am I beginning to see differently?

I’m beginning to see that my healing work isn’t done. While I’ve healed from most of my betrayal trauma, it’s left an echo on my brain. That echo rings every so often as I work through the separation from my ex-husband.

Sometimes we don’t even realize something has changed until we stop and look back. Something that once felt enormous may not carry the same weight anymore. Or maybe something you thought you were finished with looks different from where you’re standing today.

Window of Rediscovery: What parts of myself am I rediscovering?

It’s funny, my answer is the same for right after disclosure and separation: Independence. Except after disclosure, I was trying to find me as a person inside a couple. Now, I’m discovering myself as truly independent.

For me, that word is independence. Maybe there’s a part of you that’s been quiet for so long you’ve almost forgotten it’s there. What would you put in that window?

Walls: Who or what supports me?

Following disclosure, I kept myself isolated. I stayed focused on my then-husband and what he was doing. But after my adventure on the kitchen floor (a huge trigger), I realized I needed to find support, and I created my Healing Hive: S-Anon and my counselor, and then Fortify and support groups.

Now, my support is a variety of places. Online, in person, and most of all, my family. Now that I’m not protecting my husband’s addiction, I can share freely if I need to.

And support doesn’t have to be a giant circle of people. Your walls might include one safe person. A group. A counselor. An online community. Even a place you go where you feel connected instead of alone.

Roof: What helps me feel safe?

When I was living with my ex-husband, we agreed that our home needed to be a porn-free space in order for me to feel safe. We also agreed that both of us needed to be healthy in our recoveries and emotionally sober.

That’s something that makes me feel safe today, no matter what environment I’m in. I need to be around people who can manage their emotions and communicate properly.

And this one is worth thinking about beyond physical safety. What helps you feel emotionally safe enough to be yourself?

Chimney: What helps me release what I've been carrying?

This is one of my favorite parts of the exercise. I think because it reminds me of a go-bag. We can keep reaching for whatever tool we want, use it, change it, rotate them in and out, to help us release what we’ve been carrying.

It’s funny, just when I thought I was done using a go-bag- well, okay, not a go-bag, more a go-drawer these days, it turns out I’m still using it. My daily reader has always been a go-to, but now I’ve added a journal, gratitude lists to help my mindset, and “hobby of the day.” So, for me, that means doing something I haven’t done lately, like paint, color, game, or read.

And your chimney can change. What helps you release something today might not be what you need six months from now. That’s why I like thinking of it as a place where things can move in and out.

What’s changed the most since I last looked at this exercise? Well, aside from leaving my husband, the lens I’m looking through has changed.

Even the first time I filled it out, that lens had a filter.

Looking back, each of us was still learning about emotional sobriety, at different parts of the journey, traveling at different speeds.

I didn’t fully see it then. Betrayal trauma filtered it for me. I had learned to manage my triggers, but I was still living with years of emotional damage.

The lens was clouded.

Now, all these years later, I’ve grown emotionally. I’ve healed emotionally.

The home within myself is built on a solid foundation now. It’s filled with healing tools, things that bring me joy, people who support me, and plenty of room for whatever I’m still figuring out.

And these days, the windows face forward.

Let’s Stay Connected

If this resonates with you, I’d really love to know. You can comment below or email me. You’re also invited to join other Bookenders on Reddit.

And if you’re looking for deeper exercises, I wrote Bookends of Recovery & Healing Workbook to help you heal from betrayal trauma and addiction by using creative exercises, action tools, and guided reflection.

Warmly,
Laura 🌻