Gaslighting

Gaswho?

I remember when I heard the term gaslighting almost fifteen years ago and thought, “What the heck is that?” Then I read the definition and nodded along with it. It fit me perfectly. I’ll share it here:

The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1944 film, Gaslight. Paula falls in love with Gregory, and they get married. Soon after, he begins manipulating her and making her question what she sees, hears, and remembers.

In the film, Gregory secretly searches the attic of their home. When he turns on the gaslights in the attic, the lights elsewhere in the house grow dim. Paula notices the lights dimming and hears footsteps above her, but Gregory denies that anything is happening and tells her she’s imagining things.

Over time, this makes her second-guess herself and question her own reality. Gaslighting is now the widely used term for this kind of manipulation, when someone causes you to question your own perceptions, memories, or experiences.

I was Paula. It didn’t happen to me overnight. It evolved over time, like so many other things in my marriage. My brain slowly got twisted into knots. It was such a bizarre feeling. I went from being this self-assured (mostly) confident woman to someone who questioned herself about the craziest things.

Potential trigger warning

During the height of my ex-husband’s addiction, I’d walk into the room and literally see a computer screen full of pornography. I know I saw it. It’s kinda hard to miss. There was my husband sitting right there in front of said pornography, and then he’d click out of it at lightning speed.

POOF

Magically gone. I’d ask him over and over. “I thought you were going to stop looking at porn? You said you were going to quit.” Or something along those lines.

Instead of saying something like, “I’m trying, but I can’t seem to do it. I need help,” he’d say something like, “What are you talking about? I’m on eBay. Are you going to check my browser history next?” because he was still in denial.

Then he’d turn the tables and make me feel guilty for accusing him of doing exactly what I just saw him doing.

Before long, I was questioning myself.

Did I really see him?

Was it my own paranoia from the past?

Maybe I should listen to him and start trusting him again?

Then a voice would try to chime in and say, “No, you did see him looking at porn. Do something!” But that voice wasn’t powerful yet. I had a long way to go before I was able to do something about those nagging (but accurate) voices in my head telling me I was right.

Trigger warning over

Countless times I found myself second-guessing what I was seeing or hearing. My logical brain would scream at me to do something, but my trauma-induced brain would freeze. It’d lose all sense of rationality. I understood how a deer felt when a car came barreling down the highway. You’re screaming at it, “Run, Bambi, run! Why aren’t you jumping out of the way and avoiding getting hit?”

That’s the fight, flight, freeze, fawn mentality. The one struggling with addiction is slowly manipulating us; as their addiction worsens, our sense of self begins to erode.

The good thing is that when we invest in our healing, we can get back not just our old selves, but a better version of ourselves. One who is stronger and more at peace on the inside. Someone who will know if gaslighting starts to happen again, so you can throw some baking soda on that crap, extinguish that fire, and walk away with your head held high.

If you're being gaslit, and you're comfortable with it, you can write those times down after they happen to help ground you, keep you in the present, and remind you that this behavior is happening inside your home. This can help you make key decisions further down the road.

Let’s Stay Connected

If this resonates with you, I’d really love to know. You can comment below or email me. You’re also invited to join other Bookenders on Reddit.

And if you’re looking for deeper exercises, I wrote Bookends of Recovery & Healing Workbook to help you heal from betrayal trauma and addiction by using creative exercises, action tools, and guided reflection.

Warmly,
Laura 🌻