I Caused My Children Emotion Damage

If you listen to my podcast, you know I recently came back from visiting my kids. It was a really good visit. I spent a lot of quality time with my granddaughter while her parents were out of town. We created so many precious memories. Then I enjoyed time with my son, daughter-in-law, and daughter.

I also had some deep conversations with my son. Ever since my journey with emotional sobriety, we’ve been open and honest with each other about our feelings, especially what I put my kids through before I stopped white-knuckling my way through my emotions.

My kids may not have known me as an active addict, but they knew me as an avoidant, control-freak, short-tempered mother. I may have been great with family talks and making sure they felt safe coming to me, but I sucked at facing my own shit, and that led me to bring unhealthy people into their lives.

They may not have been sexually or physically abused, but hindsight has taught me one of the most challenging lessons I’ve faced on my journey:

I caused my children emotional damage.

It’s hard to admit that, but I can’t repair what I don’t acknowledge. Even typing this brings a lump in my throat and tears to my eyes. I fucked up. And as much as I want to either erase my choices or make believe they don’t exist, or even worse, pretend they didn’t affect my children, I know they did.

Like I said, my visit was full of fun. We laughed so hard I cried. We had a lot of time to play games, relax, and enjoy quality time as a family. Nothing beats watching your kids, even when they’re grown, still laugh like they did when they were small.

My son shared that he’s seeing a counselor, and I let him know how proud I am of him for doing that for himself and his family. I apologized for being the cause and for bringing people into his life who caused him pain and neglect.

He kept saying, “It’s okay, Mom, it’s okay.”

I was there when he came home from an appointment.

It wasn’t okay.

I know he’s forgiven me. He forgave me a long time ago. Now he’s working on forgiving the other people who hurt him. The ones I let in.

I bought the book his counselor recommended. He was afraid to tell me the title: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents.

I told him his counselor was spot-on and recommended it.

I dreaded reading it.

I looked forward to learning what’s inside.

I am, after all, still a work in progress.

When it was time for me to head home, my son cried. Not from anger, not from old wounds, but because he was sad to see me go. That moment told me more than words ever could: even after the damage, the healing, and the hard conversations, love still has the last word.

If you’re a parent in recovery, what’s one step you can take today to acknowledge and repair with your kids?

If you’re an adult child, what would support look like for you in your healing right now?

Let’s Stay Connected

If this resonates with you, I’d really love to know. You can comment below or email me. You’re also invited to join other Bookenders on Reddit.

And if you’re looking for deeper exercises, I wrote Bookends of Recovery & Healing Workbook to help you heal from betrayal trauma and addiction by using creative exercises, action tools, and guided reflection.

Warmly,
Laura 🌻