Not Every Fight Is Worth Having: Emotional Sobriety for Loved Ones

“I proved my point today.”

“How’s that?”

“I told her that I was financially responsible. Because if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t have gotten the military clearance I did. I wouldn’t have been such a great provider for my wife and kids…”

There was more, but at that point, I had stopped listening.

Any Watch What Crappens fans out there? I was Teresa:

Blink. Blink. Blink.

I simply walked away while he continued to talk and said nothing.

I went into my bedroom, sat in my comfy chair, and watched my fish as they happily swam around their tank.

I thought about what he said. “Great provider.”

Is that what our 21 years was summed up?

No, of course not.

It’s what his emotions were rationalizing now. Or maybe it’s what they were the entire time. I simply don’t know. Nor do I care at this point. It’s a moot point. It’s his rationalization, not mine.

What was important to me in that moment was not getting wrapped up in what he said.

Back in the day, I would’ve done one of two things:

• Agreed what a wonderful provider and father he was

• Argued with a kabillion different facts (always at the ready) about why he was a shitty provider and father

Over the years, I’ve learned a few things:

• His thoughts and feelings are his own

• My emotions don’t have to mirror his

• Not every fight is worth having

• My sobriety and emotional sobriety come ahead of his

• My happiness, peace, and joy are equal to his

• My home is my safe place, when I’m not feeling safe, I need to make changes

All that time and money spent in recovery rooms, spaces, and counseling has paid off ten-fold. Where else would I learn my value?

My goodness? How to re-build my self-esteem?

Most importantly, how to create stable emotional sobriety and apply it to my healing. If I didn’t have it, I wouldn’t have learned how to:

• Properly manage my triggers

• Move through my emotions

• Disengage from unhealthy conversations

• Maintain healthy boundaries

• Lean into self-care without guilt

• Follow my passions…without guilt

Just like my fish swimming happily around in my tank, I didn’t take the bait. Whether he wanted validation or a debate, it matters not. I’m happy having the mindset of my guppies and just enjoying the peace and happiness I surround myself with.

Let’s Stay Connected

If this resonates with you, I’d really love to know. You can comment below or email me. You’re also invited to join other Bookenders on Reddit.

And if you’re looking for deeper exercises, I wrote Bookends of Recovery & Healing Workbook to help you heal from betrayal trauma and addiction by using creative exercises, action tools, and guided reflection.

Warmly,
Laura 🌻