Pornography Addict? SLA? SAA?

How do you know if you or someone you love may be a pornography addict (PA), sex addict (SA), or sex and love addict (SLA)?

I'm sharing from my experience (I’m not a licensed therapist), as the ex-wife who has experienced betrayal trauma because of this addiction.

If you’re a first-time visitor, you’ll notice I write with a touch of humor and sarcasm. That’s not because I don’t take addiction, betrayal trauma, or abuse seriously.

It's because after the dust settled and I started my healing journey, I found my passion for writing again, and this is my writer’s voice. The one that closely resembles my own. Probably because I needed to see hope after disclosure and find a laugh or two to keep from falling into a pit of despair.

**Trigger Warning***

This post may contain words and/or descriptions that may trigger someone healing or struggling with betrayal trauma, PA, SA, and SLA.

Addicted or Not?

You may be asking yourself, “Is my partner an addict, or does he enjoy a lot of pornography and Instagram models?”

It’s a valid question, and it can be challenging to answer without talking to a professional. Particularly because pornography addiction and sex addiction aren’t in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) as I sit here and type this post.

I’ll step out on a risky limb, hoping it doesn’t snap in the process, and share my own thoughts and experiences. Of course, it’d be great to have the person we think is struggling talk to a therapist (a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, aka CSAT, if possible) and get their opinion, but let’s be honest, that may not be an option.

Especially in the beginning. They may not recognize a problem, or if they do, they may not be ready to face it yet. When people told me I was addicted to coke, I told them to F off, then did another eight ball.

There’s an online assessment test by Dr. Patrick Carnes (“the founding father of sex addiction therapy”) called PATHOS. If the person struggling answers yes to three or more of the questions below, they should speak to a professional.

• Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts? (Preoccupied)
• Do you hide some of your sexual behavior from others? (Ashamed)
• Have you ever sought help for sexual behavior you did not like? (Treatment)
• Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior? (Hurt others)
• Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire? (Out of control)
• When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards? (Sad)

But again, if they’re not honest with themselves, they aren’t going to be honest with the test if they aren’t ready to face the fact that they might be an addict.

So, what’s left?

You. You’re what’s left. Like most addicts, the signs are most likely there if we can see them.

Sometimes, it really can be a case of not seeing the forest for the trees.

There may be some obvious clues: chronic masturbation, pornography, PIED (porn-induced erectile dysfunction). In the case of sex addiction, there may be multiple affairs, either online, physically, emotionally, or on social media accounts like OnlyFans, Snapchat, etc.

But what about before some of these things occur? Or what if these things aren’t even the scope of your loved one’s acting out? Maybe your partner’s addiction is limited to one area, like massage parlors, strip clubs, chats, exhibitionism, or erotica.

It can get quite complex, can’t it? Just like other forms of addiction, pornography and sex addiction are progressive addictions. Before all the neon signs flashed around us, there may have been some subtle red flags flapping in the wind, too.

Things like:

Lying

About anything and everything. “I watered the plants while you were out of town,” even though they’re all dead from dehydration. Or, “There was no answer when I called you,” when her number isn’t on the caller ID. It doesn’t matter the reason for the lie. It comes naturally, and it can be one of the most challenging habits to break, even well into recovery. At least it was for me.

Anger Issues

The most minor things may set them off. Is traffic starting to back up? Most people get a little pissed off. People struggling with addiction may fly off the handle, screaming at people from behind the wheel, and then stay angry for a long time afterward.

There may be an underlying rage simmering beneath the surface, waiting to burst through at any moment and for the tiniest reason. They may be experiencing anger or an inability to regulate their emotions. You may notice mood swings and poor sleep or eating habits.

Losing Track of Time

Whether it’s missed deadlines at work, showing up late to a dinner date, or not showing up at all, those battling addiction often lose track of time. The claws of the addiction have more power than the hands of a clock, and it wins almost every time. It’s difficult not to take it personally.

Family of Origin (FOO) Problems

I’m old, okay, not that old, and I’m sure there’s an updated term for this, like formative family and family of experience, but I happen to like this one.

Anyway, this is all about who you grew up around and what happened while you were around those people. It can be your mom, dad, aunts, uncles, grandmas, grandpas, foster parents, guardians, friends, or a mixture of them all. Suppose something in your family or your partner’s family was off-kilter. In that case, you may be more susceptible to an unhealthy relationship.

It can be anything from emotional neglect to sexual abuse and all the things in between. It can all be damaging. On the more positive side, if we’ve been taught to be patient and kind, we also bring that into our relationships.

Inappropriateness

There’s a time and place, and most people know what that time and place are. Those struggling may not always gauge when that time is. They don’t mind testing the waters a bit by making a sly remark here and there. They want to push boundaries.

As the addiction progresses, these are common too:

Lack of Interest

I remember feeling dumbfounded about this piece of information. A pornography addict and sex addict not interested in sex? It didn’t make sense to me at all. Turns out it’s not unusual for people who compulsively masturbate to lose interest in physical intimacy. In some cases, compulsive masturbation can also contribute to PIED, psychological problems, and other health issues. It can help to remember sex addiction is not about the sex. Porn and sex are the symptoms of the addiction and the inability to connect intimately on an emotional level.

Secrets

Lots of secrets. Everything from secret email accounts, social websites, apps, or platonic friendships. Addicts may lead a double life, and if this is the case for you, I want you to know you aren’t alone. The same was true for me. I felt so naive. I had no idea what was going on in my marriage. I knew there was a problem with porn, but the rest...clueless. So, if you’re in that place, feeling like the rug just ripped out from under you, and there’s a void beneath it, healing is possible. You’re stronger than you realize, and you’re capable of anything.

Detachment and/or Isolation

The further into the addiction our partner gets pulled in, the less we’ll recognize them. They’re going to spend time more time with their addiction than they are with us. We can’t fill that void inside them no matter how hard we try or how desperately we want to; it can’t be done. Not by us, anyway.

The addiction can cause them to isolate in a variety of ways. Maybe it’s staying late at work, hiding in another room, or not being mentally present even when they’re physically in the room with us. They become detached, and we may feel a mixture of anger and sadness.

Ignoring Responsibilities

You may notice that things your loved one used to do, such as chores, projects at work, and even their favorite hobbies, are falling by the wayside. As the addiction worms its way into their life, it becomes more important than anything else. Even more important than relationships with you, their children, family, and friends. The most important relationship they have is the one with their addiction.

These are some of the signs you can look for if you think your partner is a pornography addict, sex addict, or sex and love addict. Ultimately, the best thing to do is find a CSAT or addiction specialist and support for both of you. If your partner isn’t ready, find support for yourself so you can make educated decisions on what you want to do.

As you know, I’m a firm believer in hope. Recovery isn’t easy, but it is possible. Healing from betrayal trauma also takes an extraordinary amount of work, but you’re an extraordinary person. You can do anything. Never forget that.

Let’s Stay Connected

If this resonates with you, I’d really love to know. You can comment below or email me. You’re also invited to join other Bookenders on Reddit.

And if you’re looking for deeper exercises, I wrote Bookends of Recovery & Healing Workbook to help you heal from betrayal trauma and addiction by using creative exercises, action tools, and guided reflection.

Warmly,
Laura 🌻