Relational Trauma: Healing Tips

So, you’ve been through the wringer: relational trauma, betrayal, addiction, and the emotional equivalent of walking barefoot on broken glass while swallowing fire.

Healing isn’t a straight path. There can be breakthroughs, setbacks, and the occasional:

“WHAT THE F IS HAPPENING?”

Let's walk through some things that helped me along the way, minus the sugarcoating but with a bit of humor to keep us sane.

This is the first in the series.

I’m not done with my addiction trigger series. I just wanted to break things up a bit since I’ve been on both sides of the addiction coin: the person struggling with addiction and the loved one of someone struggling with addiction.

Breaking Through Denial (a.k.a. Admitting That Shit’s Not Okay)

First things first.

Denial can feel comfy, like your favorite jammies.

But at some point, you may start noticing things that don't quite fit anymore.

Maybe you realize your partner's behavior isn't just “a phase.”

Maybe you notice you're keeping secrets, avoiding difficult conversations, tiptoeing around the truth, or changing your own behavior because of what's happening in your relationship.

Sometimes we don't recognize these things immediately.

I didn't.

It doesn't necessarily mean we're deliberately ignoring reality. Sometimes we simply don't understand what we're seeing yet.

But eventually, something may start nudging you.

Or, in my case, my instincts finally screamed that they'd had enough.

Some of the things I had either denied, minimized, or hadn't fully recognized yet included:

• He was isolating from me, my family, and our friends.

• I was isolating from everyone, including extended family and friends.

• The amount of pornography my ex-husband consumed was way too much.

• I wasn't allowing our children into the bedroom because I was afraid they would see pornography.

• I was putting my ex-husband's needs above my own.

• I was going against my core values and beliefs.

• I had lost my voice.

Looking at that list now?

Yikes.

If you're beginning to recognize things in your own relationship, you don't need to have all the answers immediately.

Start with what you notice.

Write it down if that helps.

Learn more about what you're experiencing.

Pay attention to patterns.

And give yourself room to figure out what all of it means for you.

Understanding the Nature of Addiction Without Letting It Define You

When you’re hit with the reality of addiction, whether it's yours or someone else's, the first instinct is usually:

“Okay, what the F is this?”

Then comes research mode.

Books.

Support groups.

Podcasts.

Forums.

Late-night Google spirals.

Knowledge can be incredibly helpful.

It can also become overwhelming.

Try to look for credible resources that help you understand addiction, recovery, betrayal trauma, relational trauma, and what you may be experiencing.

One book that helped me tremendously was Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means.

Reading it felt like getting a hug from women I'd never met.

Learning about trauma responses such as nightmares, anxiety, and flashbacks helped me understand that what I was experiencing was connected to something real that had happened in my life.

That mattered.

Find the type of resources that work best for you.

Maybe you prefer books.

Maybe podcasts.

Maybe videos.

Maybe counseling or support groups.

Maybe you're like me and apparently need all of them.

Just remember that a resource agreeing with you doesn't automatically make it healthy or accurate.

Look for information that helps you understand your experience without telling you what decision you're supposed to make about your life or relationship.

Let Go of What Isn't Yours to Manage

Look, if control were an Olympic sport, some of us would have gold medals.

Letting go sounds fantastic in theory.

Very fluffy Insta quote.

In practice?

HARD.

Especially when your brain wants to rehash every detail of the past like it's conducting a crime scene investigation.

One of the biggest things I eventually had to learn was the difference between what belonged to me and what belonged to someone else.

My recovery?

Mine.

My healing?

Mine.

My boundaries?

Mine.

My ex-husband's recovery?

His.

That sounds ridiculously simple written out like that.

Living it was another story.

The Concept of Us

During our marriage, we found it helpful to think of ourselves as having three recoveries:

Mine.

His.

And ours.

We called the relationship piece The Concept of Us.

That gave me room to work on my own recovery and heal from relational trauma instead of immediately making repairing the marriage my primary focus.

At that point in my life, the Concept of Us worked for me.

Eventually, my marriage ended.

That doesn't erase the value the tool had when I needed it.

Something can help you during one part of your recovery or healing and not be what you need forever.

Check-In Conversations

It can be challenging to communicate when both people are navigating recovery, healing, fear, anger, and broken trust.

We used check-in conversations to create intentional time to talk instead of letting difficult conversations explode whenever something came up.

Emotions Jar

I wrote down what I needed to release and literally put it in a jar.

Did it fix everything instantly?

Nope.

But getting something out of my brain and onto paper helped me create some space around it.

I still use a version of this tool today.

Journaling

Sometimes I needed to write something out until my brain finally stopped arguing with itself.

No fancy journal required.

No beautiful handwriting.

No profound ending.

Just get it out.

Meet It, Greet It, Transform It

Raise your hand if you struggle with uncomfortable thoughts and emotions.

Yeah.

You're not alone.

This exercise helped me stop immediately fighting whatever showed up.

Meet It

Acknowledge that the thought or emotion is there.

I'm angry.

I'm afraid.

I'm feeling rejected.

I'm jealous.

I'm having that thought again.

You don't have to like it.

You're simply recognizing it.

Greet It

Get more specific.

What's actually happening?

Is it fear?

Insecurity?

Rejection?

Loneliness?

Jealousy?

Anger?

Does something remind you of an old experience?

Is something happening in the present that needs your attention?

Could it be both?

Transform It

This is where my understanding has changed a little.

Transforming an emotion doesn't mean replacing anger, grief, fear, or sadness with something happy.

You don't need to slap gratitude on top of pain and call it healed.

Instead, think about transforming what you do next.

What do you need?

What response supports your recovery or healing?

What is yours to address?

What isn't yours to manage?

Gratitude can still be part of this.

You can be angry and grateful.

You can be grieving and notice something good in your life.

You can be disappointed and appreciate the people who showed up for you.

Practicing healthier ways of responding, including gratitude when it genuinely fits, can help us develop healthier pathways and patterns over time.

The emotion doesn't have to disappear first.

What Else Was Under My Anger?

I was angry.

A lot.

At some pretty minor things.

Leave a glass on the counter instead of putting it in the sink?

I'd be pissed off.

Eventually, my counselor helped me explore what else was happening alongside all that anger.

And there was a lot.

I had guilt of my own to work through.

I wasn't present for my kids in the way I wish I had been.

I let my anger affect how I reacted to things.

And while I did not cause my ex-husband's addiction, his addiction and what was happening in our relationship affected me deeply.

Both things can be true.

His choices belonged to him.

My reactions belonged to me.

Acknowledging that helped me take responsibility for the things that actually were mine without taking responsibility for the things that weren't.

My anger wasn't fake.

It wasn't something I needed to explain away.

There was simply more underneath and alongside it than I initially realized.

Defining Sobriety and Recovery

An important part of my healing was learning that I couldn't define someone else's recovery for them.

Initially, after disclosure, compassion for my ex-husband wasn't exactly at the top of my emotional to-do list.

I was hurt.

I was angry.

I was confused.

I was trying to understand what had happened to my life and marriage.

I don't judge myself for that now.

Compassion came later as I learned more about addiction and began separating the addiction from the person.

But compassion didn't mean abandoning myself.

And it didn't mean I had to accept whatever someone else called recovery.

My ex-husband was the only person who could define his bottom lines.

I couldn't get inside his mind and make those decisions for him.

Would I have loved that opportunity back then?

Absolutely.

Control Olympics, remember?

But it wasn't my place.

He got to define his recovery.

I got to decide whether the recovery he defined was something I was willing to have in my life.

That's an important distinction.

Someone else gets to decide what recovery means for them.

You get to decide what you need in your relationships and whether someone's choices are compatible with that.

Neither person gets to make that decision for the other.

And sometimes the answer changes over time.

Mine did.

When a Relationship Is Healing Too

If a relationship has been affected by addiction, betrayal, broken trust, or relational trauma, repairing that relationship can't rest entirely on one person's shoulders.

Each person has their own work.

And then there's the work that belongs to the relationship.

That might include rebuilding trust, communicating differently, respecting boundaries, accountability, honesty, or deciding whether repairing the relationship is even what both people want.

That's another reason the Concept of Us worked for me for as long as it did.

I could work on Laura without making Laura responsible for his recovery.

Prioritizing Physical Health (Or, at Least, Dusting Off the Treadmill)

Recovery and healing can take a toll on your body too.

Sleep can get weird.

Eating can get weird.

Your body may feel tense.

You may have absolutely zero desire to exercise.

Hello.

Taking care of your body doesn't determine your worth.

You're not more worthy because you went to the gym today.

But caring for your physical health can be another way of caring for yourself during recovery and healing.

Do I love exercise?

No.

But do I usually feel better when I move my body instead of treating it like a neglected houseplant?

Absolutely.

Find movement that works for you.

It doesn't need to involve a treadmill glaring judgmentally at you from across the room.

Finding Your People

Connection can be incredibly important during recovery and healing.

But I don't mean just any connection.

Some online spaces can become cesspools of negativity.

I needed people who understood what I was experiencing.

People who didn't judge me for some of the things I did while trying to survive my ex-husband's addiction.

And equally important:

People who didn't encourage unhealthy behavior.

I started with 12-step meetings and counseling, then attended support groups.

Later, I also attended secular recovery meetings.

Different spaces gave me different things at different times.

And I learned that not every meeting, group, forum, or community was right for me.

That's okay.

Connection can help.

Chosen solitude can help too.

The question is whether what you're doing is supporting your recovery and healing or whether you're isolating because you're afraid to let anyone know what's happening.

You don't need a giant recovery army.

Sometimes you just need a few people you genuinely trust.

Kicking Shame to the Curb (One Step at a Time)

Even after I'd done a lot of work, shame still lingered like the smell of hard-boiled eggs.

You know it's there.

You wish it weren't.

And somehow it hangs around longer than seems humanly possible.

I had to get honest with myself, my counselor, and my journal.

I had to look at choices I regretted without turning those choices into my entire identity.

My past mattered.

My choices mattered.

But they didn't have to define every choice I made next.

Eventually, I could even laugh at parts of my story.

Like the time I tried to manage my ex-husband's recovery like a micromanaging boss.

Spoiler:

It did not work.

But now I can understand what I was doing with more compassion for myself.

Fear was a huge part of it.

So was hypervigilance.

So was my own history with addiction and compulsive behavior.

Understanding those things doesn't mean pretending my behavior was healthy.

It means I can understand why I did something while still deciding I want to do something differently now.

Grieving the Losses

There can be real losses in recovery and healing.

One of the hardest things for me was realizing how much time I'd lost.

Time spent obsessing over my ex-husband's addiction.

Snooping.

Spiraling.

Living in anxiety.

Time with my kids that I can't get back.

I can't rewind any of it.

And beating myself up won't give me those years back either.

So I had to grieve them.

Grief doesn't mean I never look backward.

Of course I do.

Our past is part of our story.

But I don't have to live there.

I can acknowledge what I lost.

I can wish some things had been different.

I can take responsibility for what belongs to me.

I can learn from it.

And I can still be present for the life I have now.

There's too much life left for my past to get all of it.

Final Thoughts

Recovery and healing can ask a lot from us.

We may have to look at things we'd rather avoid.

Recognize patterns we didn't know we had.

Grieve things we can't change.

Learn boundaries.

Unlearn old coping mechanisms.

Stop trying to manage someone else's recovery.

Figure out what our emotions are telling us.

And sometimes make decisions we never imagined we'd have to make.

You don't have to do all of that today.

And you don't have to stop experiencing hypervigilance, anger, fear, grief, or uncertainty before you're making progress.

I certainly didn't wake up one morning and announce:

Excellent! No more hypervigilance!

I had to work at it.

I had to recognize what I was doing, understand why I was doing it, and slowly learn healthier ways to respond.

That's recovery and healing too.

Keep learning.

Keep using your tools.

Keep laughing when you can.

Keep writing if that helps.

And keep bringing your attention back to the part you actually have a say in:

Your recovery. Your healing. Your choices.

What's one small step you can take for yourself today?

Let’s Stay Connected

If this resonates with you, I’d really love to know. You can comment below or email me. You’re also invited to join other Bookenders on Reddit.

And if you’re looking for deeper exercises, I wrote Bookends of Recovery & Healing Workbook to help you heal from betrayal trauma and addiction by using creative exercises, action tools, and guided reflection.

Warmly,
Laura 🌻