The Three Circles & CFT: Defining Recovery, Boundaries, and Healing for Addicts and Their Loved Ones with a workbook

One of the most common questions I hear is,

“What actually counts as a relapse?”

And my answer is still the same:

It’s personal.

Recovery and healing are not one-size-fits-all. What is a bottom-line behavior for one person might not be for another. And when relationships are involved- partners, families, and loved ones- the need to define it becomes even more important.

That’s why I love a tool called The Three Circles. It creates structure without shame, boundaries without pressure, and awareness without rigidity. And when both partners use it, it becomes a shared language for healing instead of a battleground of expectations. (And don’t forget one of my favorite sayings, “High expectations can lead to premeditated resentments.”)

What Are the Three Circles?

The Three Circles are three nested circles that help you define:

• What you personally want to avoid

• What requires boundaries and awareness

• What actively supports your recovery or emotional wellbeing

They can be used by someone in addiction recovery, by loved ones healing from relational or betrayal trauma, or by couples navigating recovery together.

🔴 Inner Circle: “This Is a No for Me”

This circle holds the behaviors, environments, emotional patterns, or relationship dynamics that you personally define as unsafe, unhealthy, or destabilizing.

For someone in recovery, these may be bottom-line behaviors that move you away from emotional sobriety and stability. For loved ones, this may include experiences that violate emotional boundaries or compromise personal well-being.

This is not about what should be here. It’s about what you know, through lived experience, that moves you away from safety, self-respect, healing, and sobriety.

Sometimes we hesitate to put something in this circle because we don’t want to give it up. That hesitation isn’t something to judge. Try to see it as information. This is an opportunity to be curious and honest with yourself about your unhealthy behaviors and unhealthy thoughts.

🟡 Middle Circle: “The Grey Area”

This is where awareness comes into play.

These are behaviors or situations that:

• Feel risky depending on your emotional state

• Have led toward unhealthy patterns in the past

• Require mindfulness, limits, or extra support

For many people, this includes emotional triggers, environments tied to old habits, or relational dynamics that activate stress, shame, or over-functioning.

The Middle Circle isn’t about labeling anything as “bad” or “wrong.” It’s about noticing when something begins to pull you away from your values and choosing to respond with a plan rather than on autopilot.

🟢 Outer Circle: “This Supports My Healing”

This is your foundation.

The Outer Circle holds the practices, relationships, and routines that strengthen emotional regulation, build self-trust, and support long-term healing. This might include therapy, support groups, creative outlets, time in nature, meaningful connections, rest, or anything that helps you feel more grounded and connected to yourself.

When your Outer Circle is strong, you’re less vulnerable to drifting inward.

How the Three Circles Connect to Emotional Regulation

(Compassion-Focused Therapy)

Here’s where things get really cool (and powerful).

In Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT), there’s a model called the Emotional Regulation Overlay. It describes three systems in the brain that shape how we feel, react, and cope:

• Threat System (Red)

• Drive System (Blue)

• Soothing System (Green)

Sound familiar?

Just like the Three Circles, this model is often visualized using three circles of color. And the purpose is not to pathologize us, but to de-shame us. It’s a way to help us understand that many of our emotional reactions are not character flaws, but nervous system responses shaped by life experience.

🔴 Threat System (Red)

This system is focused on protection. It scans for danger, both physical and emotional, like rejection, failure, or conflict. When activated, it triggers fight, flight, fawn, or freeze and brings emotions like fear, anxiety, anger, and shame.

The threat system is essential for survival. But when it’s overactive, we can live in a near-constant state of emotional alarm. So, with the Three Circles, it’s often where Inner Circle behaviors live, like reactive patterns we fall into when we feel unsafe or overwhelmed.

🔵 Drive System (Blue)

This system pushes us to pursue goals, achieve, fix, improve, and “do better.” It’s associated with motivation, excitement, and reward. But when the drive system goes into overdrive, it can turn into perfectionism, burnout, or compulsive coping.

For some, this shows up as overworking, people-pleasing, or staying constantly busy to avoid feeling. I don’t know about you, but I used to fit into some of these categories.

They can also overlap with Middle Circle behaviors. And they can be kinda sneaky too. Not always harmful on the surface, but risky when driven by emotional avoidance instead of intention.

🟢 Soothing System (Green)

This system is where safety, calm, connection, and emotional regulation live. It’s activated through care, affection, compassion, and rest. It helps settle the threat and drive systems. Self-care and compassion are the name of the game here.

For many of us, especially those with trauma, addiction, or chronic self-criticism, this system needs some TLC because it’s been neglected for so long. And this is where your Outer Circle becomes so powerful.

Your Outer Circle practices are not just “nice to have.”

They’re how you actively strengthen your soothing system and rewire your nervous system toward safety and self-trust.

Why This Matters for Recovery and Relationships

CFT teaches that emotional struggles are not personal failings. They’re the result of our “tricky brains” and our life histories. That perspective alone can be deeply healing.

When you combine this with the Three Circles:

• You can identify which system you’re in when you feel reactive or overwhelmed

• You can understand the function of your emotions instead of judging them

• You can intentionally choose behaviors that bring you back to your Outer Circle (your soothing system)

Techniques like gentle breathing, grounding, compassionate self-talk, or visualizing safety aren’t just coping tools. They’re ways of strengthening the part of your brain that supports regulation, connection, and resilience.

This is not about controlling urges or emotions. It’s about learning how to be a healthier you.

Using the Three Circles Together as Partners

When both partners use this framework, conversations begin to change.

Instead of:

“Why are you doing that?”

It becomes:

“What system do you thinThe Three Circles are a powerful tool for defining recovery, boundaries, and healing. They help us understand what moves us away from safety, what lives in the grey area, and what supports our growth.

But many people still ask the same question:

Why do I keep drifting toward certain behaviors even when I know better?

This companion worksheet helps answer that.

The Emotional Regulation Overlay (ERO) uses Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) to explain how our emotional systems (threat, drive, and soothing) influence our reactions and decision-making.

When we understand which system is running the show, it becomes easier to recognize patterns, reduce shame, and choose support instead of self-criticism.

Used alongside the Three Circles, this worksheet helps connect emotional awareness with practical recovery tools, reminding us that our reactions aren’t failures, they’re signals asking for care.

Let’s Stay Connected

If this resonates with you, I’d really love to know. You can comment below or email me. You’re also invited to join other Bookenders on Reddit.

And if you’re looking for deeper exercises, I wrote Bookends of Recovery & Healing Workbook to help you heal from betrayal trauma and addiction by using creative exercises, action tools, and guided reflection.

Warmly,
Laura 🌻