This Is the End of Our Marriage, Not Our Relationship

Finding the good, even during challenging times

As you know, my ex-husband and I are separating. I’m still living in our home, sleeping in separate bedrooms, and things are very civil. When I told him I wanted a divorce, he was very surprised…that wasn’t “the good”; it actually saddened me.

For me, the good is that I’m proud of maintaining my boundary:

“For me to feel safe and at peace in this relationship, I need to be with someone who’s in active, healthy recovery. When that’s not happening, it creates anxiety for me, and I’ll need to step back or leave the relationship.”

Sometimes, a boundary doesn’t feel empowering the moment we create it. It also may not feel empowering when we need to maintain it. Sometimes it feels sad. But mourning and self-respect can exist in our hearts.

Since I told him I’m leaving, we’ve had many challenging but honest discussions. I watched the fog of stagnation and complacency dissipate the more we talked, and the realization settled in that it was too late, despite his promises.

For him, the good is that he’s reflecting on the event that caused the original fracture. He’s beginning to come out of the fog of denial that everything is okay with his emotional sobriety.

It’s similar to grief

Of course, he’s in the beginning stages of coming out of the fog. It reminds me of the stages of grief.

He was in denial that his recovery needed tending to. I think it helped him protect, justify, and hold onto his hurt feelings.

Then he was angry with the people who hurt his feelings, which caused the fractures. Now he’s angry with himself for not recognizing the emotional work that should’ve been done on his part.

He also experienced bargaining. A lot of “what if” discussions followed the event and continue now. He’s been saying, “If only I’d done this…” and I gently tell him, “You can’t keep spending time in your past, whether it’s your childhood, our marriage, or the event; you need to learn how to process it and heal from it. Not compartmentalize it.”

Recovery and healing both require tending. Not perfection, not constant intensity, but awareness. Relationships can slowly drift when emotional wounds go unaddressed for too long.

There’s also been talk of doing whatever it takes to get me to stay…but it’s too late. And I’m okay with that.

Depression has been there, which is understandable and to be expected. I think it’s only fair to give him that space, but I’m also careful not to do any caretaking.

That’s been one of the hardest lessons for me personally, learning the difference between compassion and emotional caretaking. Supporting someone through their pain doesn’t mean abandoning yourself in the process.

It’s important for me to put my emotional needs at the top of my priority list right now. I’m going through the divorce process too.

I think that acceptance is starting to settle in for him, too. The more we talk about it, the more he seems to understand that this is the end of our marriage, but not the end of our relationship.

I’m not bitter. I’m not filled with hatred. I understand the complexities of addiction and the recovery process. I want my kids to have a relationship with him and would never disparage him to them.

What I need to remember

A few things I’m trying to remember right now:

• Boundaries aren’t punishments. They’re decisions we make to protect our peace and emotional safety.

• Compassion and self-abandonment are not the same thing.

• Someone can love you and still not be able to maintain a healthy relationship.

• Grief can exist even when you know you’re making the right decision.

• Healing doesn’t always look like some fireworks display. Sometimes it’s quiet and simply choosing not to ignore yourself anymore.

I think sometimes people assume that leaving means hatred, resentment, or revenge. But sometimes it means recognizing that love alone isn’t enough to sustain a healthy relationship.

If you’re in a season where you’re questioning your own boundaries, your peace, or the health of your relationship, I hope you remember this: sometimes understanding settles in little by little. Sometimes it arrives slowly, through mental exhaustion, reflection, difficult conversations, and finally realizing you can love someone deeply while also recognizing something needs to change.

Whatever path you choose, please don’t abandon yourself along the way.

Let’s Stay Connected

If this resonates with you, I’d really love to know. You can comment below or email me. You’re also invited to join other Bookenders on Reddit.

And if you’re looking for deeper exercises, I wrote Bookends of Recovery & Healing Workbook to help you heal from betrayal trauma and addiction by using creative exercises, action tools, and guided reflection.

Warmly,
Laura 🌻