Valentine’s Week: When You Love Someone with an Addiction

Valentine’s week can be challenging for a lot of people. But if you’re in a relationship with a pornography and/or sex and love addict, it can feel even more overwhelming.

I remember our first Valentine’s Day after disclosure. Not great. Not great at all.

We barely acknowledged it, let alone celebrated it. Everything still felt raw, uncertain, and emotionally loaded. Pretending it was a hearts-and-flowers kind of day just wasn’t realistic.

So instead, I chose something different. I chose self-care, just like I did on our anniversary.

As Donna and Tom from Parks and Rec would say, it became a “Treat Yo’ Self” week. I scheduled a spa day with my daughter, went out to lunch with friends, got a mani/pedi, and even went to a matinee with my ex-husband. Nothing over-the-top and I didn’t force anything. Just small things that made my heart smile.

If you’re struggling this week, you’re not alone. And you don’t have to push your way through it. There are tools that can help you get through the week with a bit more steadiness and a lot more self-compassion.

Let’s talk about some, shall we?

Start With an Emotional Check-In

Before you decide what this week should look like, it helps to check in with where you actually are.

Ask yourself:

• Where are my emotions showing up right now (neck, shoulders, stomach, etc.)?

• What emotions am I feeling today (anxious, sad, disconnected, scared, confused, a mixture, etc.)?

• What does my body need today?

It’s okay to take a look at your emotions. It’s a great way to gain information on your journey and remember, there’s no right or wrong way to move through this. There’s only your way.

HALT/BLAST: A Simple Self-Care Reality Check

When emotions run high, it’s easy to overlook basic needs. One quick tool that can help this week is HALT/BLAST. It’s a reminder to check whether you’re:

• Hungry

• Angry

• Lonely

• Tired

The “S” in BLAST stands for stressed.

If one (or more) of these is showing up, that’s your body sending out an S.O.S. It’s time to ask yourself what needs tending to in those categories.

When you’re susceptible, it can help to pause before doing certain things like having a hard conversation, making challenging decisions, visiting people or places that may trigger us, etc.

If we’re feeling HALT/BLASTed, it can help to ask yourself:

What do I need right now to feel a little more regulated?

Sometimes self-care is as simple as eating, resting, or reaching out to someone safe.

Self-Care That Actually Helps

When you’re in a relationship with someone struggling with addiction, self-care means protecting your emotional bandwidth.

That might look like:

• Creating small pockets of downtime during the week

• Lowering expectations of yourself instead of pushing harder

• Choosing comfort on purpose: familiar shows, cozy clothes, easy meals, chore-free days

Self-care doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive. It just needs to be kind.

Boundaries: What You Are and Aren’t Available For

Valentine’s week can stir up expectations, pressure, or unspoken assumptions. Boundaries can help keep you grounded.

Ask yourself:

• What am I emotionally available for this week?

• What feels like too much right now?

• Where do I need to say no, pause, or slow things down?

A boundary might sound like:

“I’m not up for a deep conversation tonight.”

“I need some quiet time before I engage.”

“I’m choosing not to compare this week to what others think it ‘should’ look like.”

Boundaries aren’t a form of punishment. They’re acts of self-respect.

Schedule You In

One of the easiest ways self-care gets pushed aside is by leaving it as an afterthought. Instead of waiting to see if there’s time, try scheduling yourself in:

• Block out time for a walk, hot chocolate, nap, or appointment

• Put it on your calendar because it’s just as important as everything else on there

• Treat it as non-negotiable, not optional

You don’t have to earn rest or space. You deserve it.

Do Your Best to Pause Before You React

This week may bring unexpected triggers: a comment, a memory, a comparison.

Before reacting, try to pause and check in:

• What am I feeling in my body right now?

• What emotion might be underneath this reaction?

• What would support me in this moment?

Picture the lines on a clock face. Each of those is an opportunity to pause, take a deep breath, and collect yourself.

Redefining Love This Week

Love doesn’t have to look like grand gestures or romantic plans. Sometimes love looks like:

• Choosing peace over performance

• Saying no without guilt

• Taking care of yourself instead of pushing through

Putting yourself at the top of your priority list is okay. It’s more than okay, because you deserve to be there.

A Gentle Reminder Before the Week Ends

Loving someone through addiction is complicated and Valentine’s week can magnify that. Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean you love them less. It means you’re staying connected to you.

You don’t have to do everything listed here. Even one small act of self-care is enough for today.

And if this week feels challenging, you’re not alone. I’m here for you.

Let’s Stay Connected

If this resonates with you, I’d really love to know. You can comment below or email me. You’re also invited to join other Bookenders on Reddit.

And if you’re looking for deeper exercises, I wrote Bookends of Recovery & Healing Workbook to help you heal from betrayal trauma and addiction by using creative exercises, action tools, and guided reflection.

Warmly,
Laura 🌻