What’s the deal with compartmentalization in addiction?

Not too long ago, I mentioned one of my favorite analogies about waffles while discussing black-and-white thinking. That analogy can also be used for compartmentalization because we’re still dealing with sectioning things off into neat boxes inside our brain. Only this time, the syrup isn’t just the blurred lines of grey thinking, it’s our family, relationships, work, and everything else outside our unhealthy behavior.

When someone has an addiction, they compartmentalize their feelings and behaviors. They try to keep each part of them separate: addict, parent, spouse, coworker, volunteer. Each version gets put in its own space and locked away until it’s needed.

Except one. The addict. That one manages to take precedence over all the others because that voice is the strongest. It can manipulate, shame, lie, and bullshit its way through.

How many times have you promised yourself that this was it? This time sobriety was going to last. And you had a great stretch going, only to have the addict voice rationalize its way through while everything else got compartmentalized.

Or maybe you wondered how your loved one could kiss you and your children goodbye in the morning, after making everyone breakfast, and then relapse that evening. How can that be the same person?

It can make us feel like we’re living with two different people. And in a sense, we are. We’re living with the person we know and love, and the one the addiction ripped away from us.

Loved ones compartmentalize too, just differently. While the addict locks away behavior, the partner locks away emotions. You may separate the “supportive” version of you from the version that’s scared or pissed off. You push your needs and self-care to the bottom of the list so the family “lives in harmony,” even though it’s anything but harmonious. It’s a coping mechanism that we don’t realize drains us.

Neither my ex-husband nor I wanted to hurt our loved ones, but that’s exactly what we did. Each of us had a desire to get into a healthy recovery, but we didn’t have the tools to do it yet. Hell, I didn’t even see it when I started to use compartmentalization during the height of his addiction…and I was sober! I was using it to survive the hurt in my marriage.

That doesn’t take away the pain that compartmentalization causes, but hopefully it explains it a bit.

Recovery and healing help break down the walls of compartmentalization. We, as addicts, need to focus on how to be accountable, vulnerable, have healthy boundaries, and communicate properly.

Some ways to help us identify we’re compartmentalizing for addicts:

Identify your squares

• What parts of you get walled off?

• Which version of you is leading the way today?

• What’s a healthy activity you can do to connect with a loved one?

• How can you be vulnerable today?

• What’s a healthy way to express a need?

• Is there a boundary you need to set?

Let’s Stay Connected

If this resonates with you, I’d really love to know. You can comment below or email me. You’re also invited to join other Bookenders on Reddit.

And if you’re looking for deeper exercises, I wrote Bookends of Recovery & Healing Workbook to help you heal from betrayal trauma and addiction by using creative exercises, action tools, and guided reflection.

Warmly,
Laura 🌻