Why Some Apologies Heal...and Others Don't

How many apology tours have we seen over the years?

Will Smith after the “Slap Heard ‘Round the World”

Kevin Hart for homophobic tweets

Ellen DeGeneres after workplace allegations

Countless YouTubers

Some of the apologies did better than others, but they all have one thing in common:

They’re just words.

People are tired of hearing the words, “I’m sorry.” No matter how sincere someone sounds. They want to see that change is actively being made.

That’s why the “I’m sorry you feel that way,” apology sounds like nails on a chalkboard.

No accountability.

It’s no secret that I’ve made about kabillion mistakes on my journey to emotional sobriety, and one of them included my amends.

Initially, I wanted to apologize to everyone. Like, every single person imaginable. Where’s that cross? Let me fall on it.

But that’s not teaching me anything, is it? That’s an easy way to get everyone I’ve hurt (real or imagined) off my list.

Check!

Check!

Check!

I love a good checkmark!

But if I gave the same amount of thought and energy to the cashier at WaWa that I gave to my children, that didn’t seem fair.

More importantly, it wasn’t honest.

I had to sit down with my sponsor and go over my list carefully. I was fortunate enough to have a sponsor who, like me, was in AA and SANON.

And, like me, she was blunt. I genuinely work better with people who get to the point. Don’t sugarcoat it. Just tell me like it is, without the rah-rah stuff. We’re in the thick of things here; let’s get to it.

And she always did.

“You’re a people-pleaser.”

“What? No, I’m not. I’m stand-offish.”

“You may think you’re stand-offish, but look at all these people you’re trying to make amends to. Who is this lady at WaWa? Why does she need a formal amends? Is there something else you can do instead?”

I remember just staring at her like the toy from Toy Soldiers. "Idon'tknow."

“It’s okay to simply say, ‘I’m sorry I was rude the other day’ and leave it at that, then do better moving forward. She doesn’t need your life story. Very few people do. It’s called boundaries. Stop oversharing. You’re not that important.

And this list isn’t about what you did two weeks ago. It’s about taking ownership of your past. From your addiction. From your ex-husband’s addiction.”

“Ouch.”

“It’s true.”

She sounded mean, but what she said was spot on.

I did overshare when I shouldn’t.

My apology would’ve been about me, not about the cashier.

I was focusing on the wrong timeframe…and the wrong person.

I was clearly avoiding the scary, hurtful stuff.

I returned to the drawing board once again.

I decided to start with the person who had never been put on the list: me.

I’d been beating myself up for decades.

For so many things that weren’t my responsibility:

• Exposing my children to unhealthy relationships

• Not being a better mom

• My childhood abuse

• Not being “enough” for my birth parents to keep

• Not reporting my abusers

• Not leaving relationships sooner

• And so many other things I’d been hanging onto

Then, I added the most important people to my list: my children. From there, the list grew, and I knew instinctively who belonged on it.

As I wrote each name down, I put them in a column:

Apologize now

Apologize when I’m ready

Not healthy to apologize

I went over each one with my sponsor, and this time, I got the checkmarks I craved.

Then, the real work started.

The amends.

The hardest were to my children. They deserved a mentally healthier version of me. I may have been clean, but I wasn’t emotionally sober until they were older. I brought an addict into their home…and protected him.

Each one of my kids accepted my apology.

It’s been over 15 years, and I still wrestle with this. (Spoiler alert: a post will be coming about it).

The next hardest amends I made were to my ex-husband. Now my stbx.

I had a really hard time saying sorry to him. In hindsight, I understand it’s because I was the one who was expected to say it first.

It took many years, therapy, and learning about trauma and how our brains heal before I realized I wasn't emotionally ready to make those amends.

I digress.

I remember my sponsor suggesting that I also do amends to him.

I didn’t want to.

I was struggling with betrayal trauma. It didn’t make sense that I would apologize to him when I was the one who had been gaslit, manipulated, cheated on, lied to, and traumatized.

However, up to this point, everything else she’d suggested had been right.

So, I wracked my brain trying to think of something I should apologize to him for, and I finally got it. I called him an asshole and raised my voice when I found out he cheated on me.

I gave him my amends.

He was also at the beginning of his recovery.

Just as I hadn’t healed from betrayal trauma, he hadn’t learned humility.

“Yeah, we made a promise to each other that we’d never yell and call each other names.”

That amends didn’t go very well.

Remember when I mentioned how we used to bring up past topics to argue about? Yeah, this was one of those moments. I may have mentioned something along the lines of vows, promises of being faithful, that sort of thing.

I think this was an amends that should’ve been put in the “not healthy” category.

It taught me that not every apology is necessarily healthy.

While it wasn’t okay for me to scream and curse at my ex-husband, it was also a natural response after what I’d just found out.

No one should try to force an apology upon someone else.

No one.

Going through the healing process helped me see many things more clearly.

There is value in offering a sincere apology.

If the person is ready to hear it or even wants to hear it.

There’s even more value in someone’s actions.

I can say I’m sorry to my children a million different times in a million different ways.

But showing up for them in their lives, not just for the big moments, but for the small ones too, is how they know I’ve changed.

I’m not the same mom who tried to control their outcomes because I couldn’t control mine.

I’m not the same mom who lost her patience because tranquility escaped me.

I'm not the same mom who obsessed over someone else's choices instead of being fully present for my children because I hadn't yet learned how to create space for my own healing.

I’m a work in progress.

I’m a better mom.

I continue to grow, learn, and love.

And now I’m an amazing Nanny.

Let’s Stay Connected

If this resonates with you, I’d really love to know. You can comment below or email me. You’re also invited to join other Bookenders on Reddit.

And if you’re looking for deeper exercises, I wrote Bookends of Recovery & Healing Workbook to help you heal from betrayal trauma and addiction by using creative exercises, action tools, and guided reflection.

Warmly,
Laura 🌻