Written Boundary Agreement: For You?

What do you think about written boundary agreements?

As you work on establishing boundaries, take a moment to reflect on what you truly need for your own emotional well-being. This is about creating clarity for yourself and respectfully expressing those needs to your partner.

If you’re considering a boundary agreement, remember that it’s okay for it to change as your relationship and individual recoveries evolve. Some couples include specific actions for boundary crossings, while others don’t. Ultimately, you'll know what works best for your relationship.

A written boundary agreement may be helpful in the beginning, but I believe it should only be relied on for a short time. Eventually, we need to learn to rely on our own instincts rather than a piece of paper. The focus needs to shift toward healing, learning what feels safe and healthy for us, and trusting ourselves to recognize when a boundary has been crossed.

Here’s what worked for me after my ex-husband’s disclosure. (You can swap out the unhealthy/unwanted behavior for your needs.)

Let’s begin with a few steps:

1. Get Prepared

Grab a notebook, pen, and a drink (something non-alcoholic so you’re clear-headed). Take a few deep, grounding breaths. This will help you stay calm and centered as you dig into these thoughts and emotions.

2. Identify "Common Sense" Boundaries

Start with small, manageable boundaries that protect your mental health. These boundaries may seem like common sense, but they're essential to your peace of mind. And they weren't common sense in our marriage, unfortunately.

For example:

• "If you’re going to be late, please text me. Otherwise, I start to worry, and it triggers my anxiety."

• "Please read the article our counselor recommended to understand the trauma I’m experiencing."

These boundaries are not about controlling your partner; they’re about addressing your needs in response to what you’ve been through.

3. Consider Actions (If Needed)

Consider what you will do if any boundaries are crossed. Remember, this isn’t about punishing your partner; it’s about prioritizing your own emotional safety.

Possible actions could be:

• Skipping a planned date night if you don’t feel emotionally up for it. No need to put on a fake smile if you’re not feeling it.

• Needing some space, like a night alone, to process your feelings.

4. Establish Non-Negotiable Boundaries

Next, consider boundaries that reflect what you can and cannot accept.

Examples from my experience:

• "If my ex-husband cheated again, I would leave. I have made peace with this boundary as necessary for my self-respect."

• "If he had a setback and hid it, he'd sleep in another room for three days. I need transparency for trust to rebuild."

• On the other hand, "If he had a setback but told me openly, there was no action I would take. Addiction can come with challenges, and open communication made a difference."

• For me to feel safe and at peace in this relationship, I need to be with someone who’s in active, healthy recovery. When that’s not happening, it creates anxiety for me, and I’ll need to step back or leave the relationship.”

Sometimes, a boundary doesn’t feel empowering the moment we create it. It also may not feel empowering when we need to maintain it. Sometimes it feels sad. But mourning and self-respect can exist in our hearts. That's what it felt like when I maintained my boundary to be with someone in active, healthy recovery.

You can use these boundaries as an example and a starting point for reflecting on what you need and what helps you feel secure. Boundaries may shift as you both progress, but honoring what you need in each stage is key to your healing and growth.

Defining Your Boundaries and Actions

Now, let’s put pen to paper to define what you can accept, what you need, and how you’ll handle difficult moments in your relationship. This process will help you gain clarity and set boundaries that feel right for you.

1. Consider What You Can Accept

Reflect on what you can realistically accept in your relationship. For example:

• Are you okay if your partner experiences a setback with certain behaviors, like pornography, but not others?

• Knowing your limits will help you define boundaries that support your emotional well-being.

2. Decide on Your Involvement with Your Partner’s Triggers and Setbacks

Consider whether you want to know the details of your partner’s bottom-line or inner-circle behaviors (those that are off-limits to them as they work on their recovery).

• Keep in mind, this knowledge can sometimes increase anxiety, especially while you’re still processing the trauma from past disclosures.

• If you do want to know, consider whether you’re able to listen calmly and understand that setbacks aren’t your fault. Or would you prefer that slips are discussed only between your partner and their sponsor/accountability partner?

3. Determine Actions You Can Enforce

If you decide to set actions for crossed boundaries, choose actions that you know you can uphold.

• Examples might include sleeping in separate rooms, a temporary period of abstinence, or an honest, open conversation.

• Pick responses that support your wellbeing and don’t feel like punishment.

Remember, any action you set for a boundary should be something you’re confident you can enforce. Otherwise, it might lead to frustration for both you and your partner.

By taking these steps, you’re defining what feels acceptable and manageable for you. This protects your emotional health while respecting the complex dynamics in your relationship.

Let’s Stay Connected

If this resonates with you, I’d really love to know. You can comment below or email me. You’re also invited to join other Bookenders on Reddit.

And if you’re looking for deeper exercises, I wrote Bookends of Recovery & Healing Workbook to help you heal from betrayal trauma and addiction by using creative exercises, action tools, and guided reflection.

Warmly,
Laura 🌻