Approaches & Techniques to Healing from Betrayal Trauma Part 2

Today, we continue our conversation about betrayal trauma. The first post was published on Monday.

Betrayal trauma may stem from dishonesty, infidelity, or breaches of trust, whether emotional, psychological, or physical. If you've experienced these, my heart goes out to you. Healing is possible, but there isn't one approach that works for everyone.

Here are some things that may help, in no particular order.

Things That May Help With Healing

Boundaries

As you already know, this is one of my favorite topics because I was terrible at them. I mistook control for boundaries, but that's not how it works.

When we create healthy boundaries from a place of healing rather than trying to control another person's behavior, they can help us feel safer and reduce some of the anxiety that often comes with betrayal trauma.

We used a written boundary agreement immediately after disclosure. Not everyone does that, and not everyone needs one.

Eventually, I realized it was okay for us to talk things over rather than automatically carry out repercussions if something didn't go exactly as expected. As I healed from the trauma, I was ready to let the written agreement go.

A written boundary agreement may be helpful in the beginning, but I believe it should only be relied on for a short time. Eventually, we need to learn to rely on our own instincts rather than a piece of paper. The focus needs to shift toward healing, learning what feels safe and healthy for us, and trusting ourselves to recognize when a boundary has been crossed.

Ideas for Setting Boundaries

• Identify your needs

• Communicate respectfully

• Be clear

• Be realistic

• Be flexible

Self-Care

Remember to take care of yourself during the healing process, too. One of my favorite sayings is, "Self-care isn't selfish."

Supporting a loved one in recovery can be emotionally draining, but even if your partner isn't in recovery, betrayal trauma itself can consume an enormous amount of your emotional energy.

Find things that nurture you. That might include:

• Exercise

• Hobbies

• Mindfulness

• Meditation

• Breathing techniques

• Grounding techniques

• Yoga

• Journaling

• Painting or drawing

• Music

• Writing letters that you don't send

• Spending time with friends

• Joining a support group

A support community can become part of your healing hive, connecting you with people who understand what you're experiencing and helping you learn additional coping skills.

Books and Educational Resources

Reading books, attending workshops, and learning more about betrayal trauma can provide insight, tools, and validation. It can also remind you that you're not alone.

I remember how isolating it felt.

When this happened to me, there weren't nearly as many books and resources available as there are now. I'm grateful that's changed.

Here are two books I found helpful:

• "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick Carnes — Helpful for understanding trauma bonds.

• "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass — A great resource for understanding infidelity and personal boundaries. This was one of my favorites.

Accountability

If you decide to stay with your partner, or you're still trying to determine whether you will, accountability may become part of the conversation.

After disclosure, my ex-husband was willing to do whatever it took to repair the damage he'd done. He took accountability, was remorseful, and was open to the accountability practices that helped me feel safer at that point in our relationship. Not every partner does that.

Still, I had one foot in and one foot out of my marriage for a while. Partly because I wasn't doing anything to promote my own healing, but also because my brain was so traumatized that I couldn't figure out how. I was hyper-focused on him and couldn't figure out a way to let that go.

What was he doing? Was he telling me the truth? Was I safe now? Could I trust what I was seeing?

Looking back, a community of peers would've helped immensely.

Some of the accountability practices we used included:

Check-In Conversations

These kept me from spiraling.

In the beginning, we had check-in conversations a few times a week. They usually lasted about fifteen minutes and gave us a designated time to talk about recovery, triggers, concerns, and anything else that needed to be discussed.

As I healed, we needed them less often.

Transparency With Electronics

Before disclosure, I had no idea what my ex-husband's passwords were to anything. That all changed afterward.

I had his passwords to all of his devices and email accounts, and he got rid of his social media accounts until he was in a better place in his recovery. I could ask him for his phone any time I felt the need, which was rare, and he gave it to me, no questions asked.

That transparency helped me feel safer after years of deception.

For some people, access to electronics may become less important as they heal. For others, continued transparency may remain an important part of feeling safe in the relationship. Betrayal changes trust, and I don't believe the betrayed partner should be given an arbitrary expiration date for when they are supposed to stop needing that transparency.

Having access also doesn't mean you have to spend your life checking. I rarely did. What mattered to me was knowing that I could.

Recovery

I've talked about this before: I believe each person has the right to recover in their own way.

That might include meetings, harm reduction, counseling, a combination of approaches, or something else entirely.

At the same time, their partner has the right to decide whether they are comfortable with that recovery approach.

You don't get to choose someone else's recovery for them.

But you do get to choose what you are willing to live with.

If their approach doesn't feel healthy or safe for you, you may need to decide whether you want to remain in the relationship, take some time away, or make another choice that's right for you.

Space

After my second disclosure, I took my kids home for a while.

That gave me the time and space to think about what I wanted. My ex-husband honored that time away and didn't pressure me while I was gone.

Eventually, I chose to heal while staying in the marriage. Other people need physical separation to begin healing. Some leave permanently. Others stay.

There isn't one correct way to do this. It's your way.

Healing from betrayal trauma is deeply personal; you do what works for you. And remember, I'm here if you need me.