What Does A Healthy Recovery Look Like?

Some of you may not know this, but I don’t just help people struggling with addiction; I also help their loved ones because I understand that side of the equation too. The questions I get asked the most are, “How will I know if my loved one has recovered?” Followed by, “Should I Stay?” <—More on that question next week.

These are challenging for me to answer. Not because I don’t know the signs of a healthy recovery, but because people generally don’t like to hear, “Well, we’re never ‘recovered’; we’re always going to be in recovery and a work in progress.”

People are a bit more optimistic when I explain that with a good, healthy recovery that is worked every single day, we can stay clean and emotionally sober.

Those of us in recovery and healing will have different journeys. Just like we have unique fingerprints, we have unique brains, and that means many of us...not all...may have setbacks (using and emotionally) and relapses before we find long-lasting sobriety and emotional healing.

The same is true for loved ones on their journeys to healing. But wait, Laura, how can a loved one experience a setback in healing? Great question. Glad you asked it. It could be with maintaining boundaries, hypervigilance, or even intimacy. Whatever we decided we wanted to improve upon.

Our recovery and healing aren’t linear. We’ll have peaks and valleys. It’s what we do while we’re in those valleys that determines how things will be moving forward. Do we learn and grow, or do we stay stuck and become stagnant?

The person struggling defines what sobriety looks like for them. I described mine in the
Three Circles post. It may change and evolve over time, but only the person experiencing it can define it.

I’ll be the first to admit that when my ex-husband was going through his struggle with SLA, initially, I was not as compassionate as I could've been because of betrayal trauma. That's what betrayal trauma does. The hurt, the pain...there's so much swirling inside our minds; we can't comprehend what we're feeling, let alone what their addiction truly is and may stem from.

It took time to wrap my head around everything and realize that I had to give him the grace I would give anyone else struggling with any other addiction. But that’s a story for another day.

I bring this up because I had to understand that he was the only one who could define his bottom lines. I couldn’t get inside his mind and make those decisions for him. I would’ve loved the opportunity, but it wasn’t my place.

It was my choice whether to accept his bottom lines or not. The same holds true for his recovery. He can define it any way he wants; if I don’t like it, I was free to leave.

Did that sound harsh? Probably. Did it sound like a couple working together as a team? Probably not. Although we were a team, we were learning not to be enmeshed with each other.

What Does A Healthy Recovery Look Like?

One of the best ways to know whether your loved one is in a healthy recovery is to communicate in a healthy way. A scheduled check-in conversation can help. Keep them between fifteen and thirty minutes and do them a few times a week.

This is a safe space to share, connect, and talk about recovery and healing. There’s no yelling, name-calling, indignation, gaslighting, or disrespect. This is a place for open and honest communication.

You can use this acronym to help guide you:
H.E.A.L

H
Honesty:
Each person shares openly and honestly about their recovery and healing. This is an opportunity to share about setbacks without fear and judgment.
HALT
(Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired): You can also share triggers if each person wants to hear about them. The partner may not want to know because hearing them may be triggering.
Humbleness:
The tone of the conversation needs to be humble, calm, and a safe space to share freely.

E
Emotions
will be shared next. Avoid basic emotions like happy, mad, sad, and dig deeper, like resentful, hurt, frustrated, scared, etc. If you need help, you can use an emotions wheel.

A
Apologies:
If you've done something wrong, now is the perfect opportunity to apologize.
Action steps:
Share what action steps each of you wants to take, such as attending a support group, meeting, or counseling.
Affirm
your partner, "I appreciate how much work you've done on your recovery this week."

L
Letting go:
What are some things you've been hanging onto that you can work on letting go of?
Listening: Make sure you're practicing active listening as you listen to each other. There should be no distractions, which means cell phones should be on silent and there should be no interruptions. Maintain eye contact and practice empathy. If you're new to healthy communication, it may help to repeat or rephrase what your partner says to make sure you understand. For example, "So you're saying you felt left out when that happened?"

Connection

You’ll also notice connection. One of my favorite sayings, I know, I have so many, is “
The opposite of addiction is connection.” It’s true. When we’re active in our addiction, we love to hide and isolate. Even when we’re getting high with other addicts, we’re still in our own heads…isolating.

So, you’ll notice your loved one participating in family events, going to recovery groups, counseling, etc. They’ll be excited about it, even when it’s challenging.

They may start volunteering and giving back to their program or support group. They’ll start pursuing healthy hobbies like exercise, bird watching, gardening, kickboxing, and other activities to keep their minds active.

Emotional Sobriety

The big one is emotional sobriety. This takes time. I wish we could wave a magic wand and have it happen, but it doesn’t. It can help to remember that your loved one’s addiction didn’t happen overnight, and neither will their recovery. But you’ll notice that they aren’t as quick to anger, there aren’t mood swings, and they’re learning about gratitude and how to process emotions in a healthy way. These are all great indicators of a healthy recovery.

What Does A Potential Setback Look Like?

If you start noticing things like anger, defensiveness, and secrecy, it’s time for you to check in with your loved one and ask if they are okay in their recovery.

There are times when we may get on a slippery slope and do things, like risky behaviors, to get that “rush” and to “feel alive” even though we’re not using. I remember one time I was speeding in my car, driving recklessly. We went to an amusement park, and I tried to loosen the straps on a rollercoaster just a bit so I could feel like I was falling out of my seat when it went upside down. Sounds bananas, huh? I hadn’t found emotional sobriety and didn’t know how to process emotions, where to put them, and didn’t want to use, so I did the next best thing – tried getting a dopamine rush through fear. Made sense in my head at the time.

When we’re not in an emotionally good place, the ones closest to us can usually spot it quickly.

When your loved one starts isolating, no longer doing their hobbies, attending their support groups, or reaching out to others, it's possible they're in an unhealthy mindset.

If you’re concerned, the best approach is love and empathy. There is always hope when it comes to addiction.

Let’s Stay Connected

If this resonates with you, I’d really love to know. You can comment below or email me. You’re also invited to join other Bookenders on Reddit.

And if you’re looking for deeper exercises, I wrote Bookends of Recovery & Healing Workbook to help you heal from betrayal trauma and addiction by using creative exercises, action tools, and guided reflection.

Warmly,
Laura 🌻