Building a Home Within Myself

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting these last few months. It’s caused me to look back on the beginning of my healing from betrayal trauma and learning about emotional sobriety.

I’ve shared before about how I burned the candle at both ends. I wanted to heal and learn how to manage my emotions RIGHT NOW. So I did everything. If someone said, “Hey, Lau, have you read anything by Melody Beattie?” Umm, no…she talks about codependency…duh…” But everything else, hells yeah.

I was reading it, doing a workbook on it, bringing it up in counseling, or with my sponsor (cause she was cool like that); I was all about it. Then I crashed and burned because you can’t have that many plates spinning in the air without one or ten crashing at your feet.

A few years later, I learned about a fun, visual exercise about filling in a house and then tried it with my group. They loved it. All you need is a pen, paper, and a bit of imagination. And if you want, you can add a pop of color.

If that’s not your thing, that’s okay; simply write it down. You can adapt this exercise to fit your learning style.

For this, I’ll talk about how we did it in group, but you do it in a way that works for you.

When you first look at a house, it’s pretty simple, right? Windows, a door, a chimney.

In this drawing, different parts of the house ask about things like values, support people, behaviors we want to change, emotions we want more of, and the hopes and dreams we have for our life.

And that’s why I love this exercise so much. Its simplicity made me think. The bare bones of the structure of the house were a representation of me at the core.

What's going on inside my own house?

Back in the day, I could’ve probably filled out my ex’s house better than my own. Or at least I thought I could. That’s how enmeshed I was with him at the time. (Notice the use of enmeshed, not codependent).

Foundation: What matters to me? What values do I want underneath the life I'm building?

I remember looking at the foundation first. As you know, the beach or any body of water really is my happy place. And I felt like my foundation kept eroding away. Like it was built on sand.

I realized that during the worst of my then-husband’s addiction, I’d lost myself. My moral compass had been tested time and time again. I wanted to make it clear to myself how important it was to hold onto my values, no matter who else was around. I needed to do that for me.

Now I keep that foundation solid by doing something for my recovery and healing every day.

Closet Door: What am I still figuring out?

Next up, the closet. It was more like what I wasn’t trying to figure out. So much was going on in my brain. I decided to make this a bit broad. I put heal from betrayal trauma. So, yeah, pretty broad.

Now, though, I think I’m figuring out who I am today post-disclosure, post-healing from betrayal trauma, now separated, and yet still experiencing footprints of trauma.

It’s an interesting journey.

Front Door: What opportunity am I excited for?

I like the idea of a door being an opportunity instead of a way out. So, I wanted my pain to matter. I wanted my mistakes to matter. Not because they were wrong, but because they were normal. I made myself a promise: I would help other people in any way that I could. That was and still is an opportunity I’m excited about.

Window of Feelings: What feelings would I like more room for?

Back then, I wanted more room for self-compassion. I think I still do. I find that when I’m anxious or stressed, that’s when my ANTs tend to flare, which makes my self-compassion take a nosedive. So, I have to be mindful of BLAST/HALT during those moments.

Window of Change: What patterns or behaviors am I ready to look at?

After disclosure, it’s no secret I struggled with hypervigilance. I was addicted to his addiction, for sure.

Now, I’m starting to see that there are pieces of myself that have become dormant. Like a hibernating bear. They’re still within me; they simply need to be woken up again. That’s an exciting idea for me.

Window of Joy: What feels good, meaningful, or worth noticing?

At first, it was challenging for me to find much joy in anything. I was lost, confused, and in so much pain. Slowly, though, I started to do things that made me happy, like gardening, going to Zumba, dancing while doing chores, singing really loud in my car, taking baths…and not feeling guilty about it. And slowly, I picked up hobbies too.

Now, of course, you know my hobbies. Fish and birds, anyone?

Window of Hopes: What am I hoping for now?

I remember when I did this with my group, one member hoped to move on from us. My initial thought was, “Oh no!” Of course, that’s not what she meant. She meant she wanted to heal enough that she wouldn’t need to attend anymore. When she came in a few months later and said it would be her last month, it was bittersweet, but ultimately, we were very happy for her.

That’s what I hope for now. More people just like her.

Window of Reflections: What am I beginning to see differently?

I’m beginning to see that my healing work isn’t done. While I’ve healed from most of my betrayal trauma, it’s left an echo on my brain. That echo rings every so often as I work through the separation from my ex-husband.

Window of Rediscovery: What parts of myself am I rediscovering?

It’s funny, my answer is the same for right after disclosure and separation: Independence. Except after disclosure, I was trying to find me as a person inside a couple. Now, I’m discovering myself as truly independent.

Walls: Who or what supports me?

Following disclosure, I kept myself isolated. I stayed focused on my then-husband and what he was doing. But after my adventure on the kitchen floor (a huge trigger), I realized I needed to find support, and I created my Healing Hive: S-Anon and my counselor, and then Fortify and support groups.

Now, my support is a variety of places. Online, in person, and most of all, my family. Now that I’m not protecting my husband’s addiction, I can share freely if I need to.

Roof: What helps me feel safe?

When I was living with my ex-husband, we agreed that our home needed to be a porn-free space in order for me to feel safe. We also agreed that both of us needed to be healthy in our recoveries and emotionally sober.

That’s something that makes me feel safe today, no matter what environment I’m in. I need to be around people who can manage their emotions and communicate properly.

Chimney: What helps me release what I've been carrying?

This is one of my favorite parts of the exercise. I think because it reminds me of a go-bag. We can keep reaching for whatever tool we want, use it, change it, rotate them in and out, to help us release what we’ve been carrying.

It’s funny, just when I thought I was done using a go-bag- well, okay, not a go-bag, more a go-drawer these days- it turns out I’m still using it. My daily reader has always been a go-to, but now I’ve added a journal, gratitude lists to help my mindset, and “hobby of the day.” So, for me, that means doing something I haven’t done lately, like paint, color, game, or read.

What’s changed the most since I last looked at this exercise? Well, aside from leaving my husband, the lens I’m looking through has changed.

Even the first time I filled it out, that lens had a filter.

Looking back, each of us was still learning about emotional sobriety, at different parts of the journey, traveling at different speeds.

I didn’t fully see it then. Betrayal trauma filtered it for me. I had learned to manage my triggers, but I was still living with years of emotional damage.

The lens was clouded.

Now, all these years later, I’ve grown emotionally. I’ve healed emotionally.

The home within myself is built on a solid foundation now. It’s filled with healing tools, things that bring me joy, people who support me, and plenty of room for whatever I’m still figuring out.

And these days, the windows face forward.

Let’s Stay Connected

If this resonates with you, I’d really love to know. You can comment below or email me. You’re also invited to join other Bookenders on Reddit.

And if you’re looking for deeper exercises, I wrote Bookends of Recovery & Healing Workbook to help you heal from betrayal trauma and addiction by using creative exercises, action tools, and guided reflection.

Warmly,
Laura 🌻