Creating Boundaries with a Loved One

I love the topic of boundaries. It's right up there with having an attitude of gratitude and self-care.

Creating healthy boundaries is a crucial form of self-care, especially if you’re in a relationship with someone struggling with addiction. After the disclosure of my ex-husband’s addiction, I realized just how much I misunderstood boundaries. I thought I was setting limits, but really, I was trying to control an uncontrollable situation that made us both miserable.

Through my own recovery journey, I learned that boundaries are about emotional security, not control. Here’s what helped me create healthy boundaries with compassion and respect.

The Difference Between Emotional Boundaries and Boundary Agreements

Written Boundary Agreement

A written boundary agreement was helpful in the early days after my husband’s disclosure. Most couples don't choose to have a written boundary agreement, so if you don't have one, don't feel like you need one for your relationship to succeed. We did that to help me with my betrayal trauma.

If a couple chooses to have a written boundary agreement, there is no one-size-fits-all approach because of our uniqueness. Eventually, I realized it was okay to talk things over rather than carry out repercussions if things didn't go as expected.

For us, a written boundary agreement after disclosure wasn't bringing us together or helping us move in a positive direction, so I learned to be flexible and evaluate each situation we encountered individually so that as I healed from the trauma, I was ready to let it go.

A written boundary agreement may be helpful, but it's not something that should be relied on for very long if you're going to use it.

Healthy Emotional Boundaries

Boundaries are personal and unique. For us, some of the basic rights we asked for included:

• To be treated with dignity and respect.

• Open and honest communication.

• Refrain from yelling.

• Refrain from insults.

• The relationship should be free of lying or manipulation.

• The relationship should be free of blaming.

• The relationship should be free of belittling.

• It's okay to use your voice when setting a boundary without feeling guilty, as long as you do it with respect.

• If we don't want to be intimate, we don't have to be intimate. It's okay to say, "No." We have the right and power to choose what happens with our bodies.

Note: It's never acceptable for someone to be physically abusive. Seek help immediately. The National Domestic Violence number in the United States is 1-800-799-SAFE.

It’s okay to ask for what you need without feeling guilty. Speaking up for yourself, especially in difficult moments, is not only okay, but it’s also necessary.

Key Points for Setting Boundaries

Identify Your Needs

Identify your specific needs by thinking about behaviors and situations that make you feel anxious, uncomfortable, or unsafe. Then, think about how you can express this to your loved one clearly and respectfully.

Remember, aside from their DOC, these boundaries can include how they speak to you, finances, communicating where they are, and what a healthy recovery looks like to you. You can also share what type of support you're willing to give them. Be mindful that you're not responsible for their recovery and shouldn't be their accountability partner.

Your loved one also has the right to share their boundaries and recovery plan with you. This gives each of you an opportunity to reflect on whether adjustments are needed or whether you need space.

Communicate Respectfully

When you share your boundaries, be mindful of how you communicate them. Do your best to stay away from "You" statements because they tend to sound accusatory. Instead, use "I" statements like, "I feel anxious when [insert behavior], so I need to create a boundary if this happens."

As you speak, try to keep your tone compassionate. One of my ex-husband's complaints at the beginning was my tone. He said it sounded like I was talking to one of my kids…and he was right.

Be Clear

If you choose to have consequences for crossing your boundaries, state them clearly so there is no confusion if it happens.

Be Realistic

As you create your boundaries, make sure they're specific and realistic. For example, you won’t lend money, no late-night phone calls, or engage in abusive, disrespectful communication, etc.

When I wrote my first boundary agreement, one of the consequences was that if my ex-husband had a setback, we'd remove the router unless I was home. Ummm, not only was that controlling and coming from a place of fear and trauma, but it also wasn't realistic.

Of course, when he had his first setback, I didn't remove the router. I reflected on my boundaries and set a more reasonable one instead.

If you and your loved one get into unhealthy communication, you can set a boundary to pause the conversation until you are calm again. Once you've created the boundary and consequence, it's important to keep it. This isn't a way to punish your loved one; it's a way to maintain consistency and keep resentment at bay.

If you say you don't want to be around them when they're drunk or high, then you must be prepared to leave when they are.

Be Flexible

Recovery is a process, and your boundaries may need to change as you navigate different stages of healing. Be mindful of your boundaries and assess them to ensure they're still serving your well-being.

Self-Care

Please also remember to take care of yourself during the healing process. One of my favorite sayings is, "Self-care isn't selfish."

Supporting a loved one in recovery can be emotionally draining, so prioritize your own mental health. Engage in activities that nurture you, like exercise, hobbies, or spending time with friends. You can also create your Healing Hive by joining a support group to connect with others in similar situations and learn additional coping skills.

Setting boundaries with a loved one in recovery can help create a healthy, respectful dynamic. Boundaries aren’t about controlling them; they’re about showing respect for yourself. Don’t be afraid to establish them; they’re there to protect both you and your relationship.

Let’s Stay Connected

If this resonates with you, I’d really love to know. You can comment below or email me. You’re also invited to join other Bookenders on Reddit.

And if you’re looking for deeper exercises, I wrote Bookends of Recovery & Healing Workbook to help you heal from betrayal trauma and addiction by using creative exercises, action tools, and guided reflection.

Warmly,
Laura 🌻