My Partner’s an Addict: Should I Stay?

Last week, I wrote about the signs of a healthy recovery and a not-so-healthy recovery. This week, I’ll share the other question I get asked by partners of those struggling with addiction: “Should I stay?”

The most straightforward answer is, “That’s a very personal decision, and no one can or should make it but you.” (Spoiler alert: I’ll be repeating this again.) It’s an easy answer because it’s right, but that doesn’t make it an easy decision.

Some people will tell you to run.

Others will say they deserve a chance to prove themselves.

I prefer to remain neutral because it is a personal decision only you can make for yourself.

But you can educate yourself about what staying may look like. I say “may” because, well, everyone is too different for me to make a blanket statement. And also, who am I to say? I'm just a person on the Internet.

If you or your children are in danger or are being abused, please prioritize your safety. In the U.S., you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788.

My Experience

I’ll share a bit about my experience, then turn my focus to the show's real star: you.

After disclosure, my initial decision was to leave, so I did. I took the kids and returned to my home state for a few weeks. That gave me time and space to decide what I wanted to do. I realized I didn’t want to just heal from the betrayal trauma. I also wanted to become educated about living with someone going through early recovery. Something I hadn’t done since my first marriage, when my husband and I were in recovery over 30 years ago.

After the dust settled, I wanted to be a stronger, healthier version of myself, whether I decided to leave or stay. (Spoiler alert: I ended up leaving him about fifteen years later. After doing well for many years, he wasn't able to maintain his emotional sobriety. But those are stories for a few years from now.)

I returned home and set firm boundaries to support my emotional well-being. Boundaries were new to me (my first ones were totally controlling), and adjusting to them took time because we had been so enmeshed with one another.

What kept me in the relationship was taking it in small bites. Like ridiculously small.

I set a time limit to re-evaluate things, then focused on myself. It helped when I stepped back and recognized the small strides he’d made in his recovery instead of always looking for something massive. He shared his feelings with me, something he’d never done with such honesty. He hadn’t had a setback in a long time and had full accountability for himself without blaming me.

I also knew that I would be able to keep the boundaries I created...like leaving if he didn't stay in an active, healthy recovery.

What About You?

Not every relationship will work through the complexities of addiction. So much goes into each person's journey. It truly takes dedication from each person, and even then there can be too much damage that can't be forgiven or repaired.

So the best place to start is with you. Remember to take care of yourself and your needs. Something I forgot after disclosure was the basics: sleeping, eating, and moving. Not even exercise, just simply moving.

If you choose to stay, I think it’s important that both of you are actively working toward healthy recovery and healing. Otherwise, it’s difficult for anything in the relationship to truly change.

I was stagnant in my healing after disclosure and, as I said earlier, my ex became stagnant in his recovery.

It can help to remember that healing and recovery don't happen overnight or even in a few months. For some, it can take a few years. I understand that can be overwhelming to hear.

The addiction may be consuming every waking moment of your time right now, but I can promise you, the more you invest in your healing, the less time it shows up on your radar. For me, his addiction rarely made a blip. My life became about helping others and less about what he was doing...until my boundaries were broken.

Each of us travels on a unique path, and because of that, we all heal and grow in different ways. This also means that only you will know if it’s time to leave your partner. Whether it’s the moment you suspect there’s a problem, the day after you discover it, fifteen years after, or never, it’s a personal decision entirely up to you and only you. (Told ya I’d say it again. Because it’s true. Despite what anyone tells you, this is your life to live. No one else’s.)

If you choose to leave, healing can also give you an opportunity to look at your own relationship patterns. What did you overlook? What did you tolerate that you wouldn't tolerate now? What have you learned about what you need to feel safe, respected, and valued in a relationship? Those are things worth understanding before deciding whether you want another relationship in the future.

Things To Think About

Okay, get ready, because this is going to be a lot, so take some deep, calming breaths and remember...not every question will apply to every situation. These are just things that happened to people I worked with or to me; it doesn't mean they'll happen to you (and they don't happen all at once).

Okay, let's dive in...oh, and there are no right or wrong answers here, just your answers:

Can you still love your partner even though they have an addiction or struggle with unwanted behaviors?

Remove the addiction/struggles from the relationship for a minute. Separate the addiction from your loved one and ask yourself: are they a good partner who treats you with dignity and respect? I’m not suggesting they roll out the red carpet for you or put a coat over a puddle so your feet don’t get wet. Instead, I’m asking if you can see the core of their being before the addiction wormed its way in- that person who treated you the way you deserve to be treated.

If there are children involved, are they a good parent to them? If they aren’t the best they could be at this very moment, do you think there’s a possibility they could improve? Be honest with yourself. (Please remember you’re keeping them safe during this time.)

Setting the addiction aside, do you share interests like travel, animals, movies, gardening, exercise, gaming, etc.? Do you genuinely laugh and connect?

Is your loved one truly remorseful for the harm caused during active addiction, or are they going through the motions to make you happy?

Are they telling you they’ll do whatever it takes to get help? Again, do you believe they’re sincere? Most of the work will be theirs to do. You can only do your part and hold space for them as their partner, but these are still important questions to consider.

Now, put the addiction back into the relationship and ask yourself if you still love your partner despite their struggle, and answer these questions. These may get a bit tough, so here’s your gentle reminder to take a break if you need it:

How do you feel about the possibility of a lifetime of meetings, support groups, and appointments? This isn't just for your partner; it may also be for you, depending on the kind of healing and recovery each of you chooses.

Are you okay understanding that you have no control or responsibility for your loved one’s actions?

Do you have a plan in place if your partner isn’t able to maintain their sobriety? If not, are you ready to start thinking about preparing yourself emotionally in case of a setback?

Are you able to stand by them while they figure out the underlying cause of the addiction and understand that recovery isn’t linear?

How will you feel if they choose not to figure out the root cause and focus solely on addiction?

Are you ready to invest in your relationship like never before? If you’re not prepared to work on your relationship, that’s okay. Set it aside and keep your focus on yourself.

Will you be able to work hard on your healing so that if a setback happens, you’ll be like, “Okay, people, the world is not gonna crash down around me. Not today, folks, not today!?”

Hang on a sec. I’ll answer that for you. Yes, yes, you can! Remember, their setbacks are not a reflection of you.

Are you ready to tap into that independent spirit inside you?

We’re all stronger than we give ourselves credit for, including you.

Are you willing to set boundaries for yourself? The most crucial boundary I set was to walk away from my marriage if my husband wasn’t in a healthy recovery. Then, I had to decide what a healthy recovery meant to me.

Part two of this question is: Can you set healthy boundaries for yourself, and what will those look like?, and what will that look like for you?

Remember, you’re not responsible for your loved ones’ sobriety or recovery. They are. No amount of crying, pleading, shaming, begging, leaving hints, or anything else will get them clean. Only they can do that, and they have to want to do it.

You deserve to put yourself at the top of your priority list. So many of us forget to do that. Whatever you decide, I support you.
Let’s Stay Connected

Let’s Stay Connected

If this resonates with you, I’d really love to know. You can comment below or email me. You’re also invited to join other Bookenders on Reddit.

And if you’re looking for deeper exercises, I wrote Bookends of Recovery & Healing Workbook to help you heal from betrayal trauma and addiction by using creative exercises, action tools, and guided reflection.

Warmly,
Laura 🌻