Steps You Can Take After a Setback

As I said in my post, Power of Choice, we know that in recovery and healing we always have to be aware, but we also know we can make many choices. Every day, we choose to stay sober. Every day, we choose to heal and grow. Even with that mindset, many of us in recovery and healing may experience setbacks before finding long-lasting sobriety.

When they happen, the important thing is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and learn from them. The last thing we want is to wrap ourselves up in a blanket of shame. That’s why we want to focus on the steps to take after a setback, versus the setback itself.

First, we need to understand what a setback is for us. Of course, we're all different, so our setbacks will look different for each of us. I shared mine for my addiction and healing in The Three Circles post. So, for someone like me, I have (in part):

• Cocaine, meth, etc.

• Stimulants: including prescription

• People I used with

And then, for my betrayal trauma, it was my hypervigilant behaviors:

• Checking old emails

• Pain mining

• Looking at his old accounts

It's up to you to decide what constitutes a setback in your healing and recovery. Today, we're focusing on what to do after so we don't end up spiraling, feeling ashamed, and believing that negative voice in our head. Because that thing loves to chime in when we're feeling our lowest.

Acceptance

We want to say to ourselves, "Yep, that just happened." No judgment, just understanding of ourselves. Sometimes, it can help to put it out into the air, saying to no one in particular, "I just searched through emails." or "I viewed pornography." We acknowledge it and then choose acceptance.

No Shame Zone

Yes, it may feel terrible. But you're not terrible. The progress you've made along the way isn't erased. If you had sixty days or six days of progress. It's still there. Everything you learned, the tools you put in your recovery and healing toolkit, is still there. No one can take that away from you. Give yourself grace without minimizing what happened.

Trigger Evaluation

It's important to figure out why the setback occurred. This happens by understanding your triggers
and knowing how to manage them. Can the trigger be avoided? How were you feeling? Who was there? Were you missing someone? Where were you? What time of day was it? Were you BLAST/HALTed?

Be curious as you ask yourself these questions, and notice any justifications or rationalizations you may have made before the setback.

Two of my favorites were, "Well, I haven't used in so long; one time won't hurt. I deserve it." Followed by, "The only way I'll know if he's lying is if I check (insert whatever it is I felt like checking that day)."

Sobriety Circle/Healing Hive

It also helps to reach out to your support team.

Who makes up your Sobriety Circle/Healing Hive? This can be anyone from a counselor, life coach, sponsor, or trusted friend.

You can also do this by attending a support group or 12-step meeting. The important thing is that you connect with someone as soon as possible to keep from spiraling.

If you're in a relationship, remember that your partner cannot be your accountability partner, and vice versa. It's best to have three separate recovery and healing journeys. Yours, theirs, and the relationship.

Setback Prevention Plan

If you want to implement a setback prevention plan, now is a great opportunity to create one. If you do have one, identify the gaps in the plan and fill them in. If you’re not sure where to start, I include setback prevention tools and exercises in my Bookends of Recovery & Healing Workbook that can help you work through it.

This may mean adding things to your recovery toolkit, learning more grounding techniques, adding more people to your inner circle, or setting stricter boundaries. You can also ask someone in your Sobriety Circle or Healing Hive for help.

Routine of Things

Your brain craves routine and healthy habits right now, so do it. Remember to apply the KISS method: Keep It Simple, Silly. Begin with HALT and BLAST first. Staying hydrated, getting enough sleep, eating well, and exercising sound so basic, but it's a brick in the foundation of your recovery. The more bricks you have, the sturdier your foundation becomes and the more centered you'll be.

So, get back to all the things you did before the setback: groups, meetings, facial care, meditation, journaling, and getting out of your pajamas and off the couch.

How Do You Eat an Elephant?

If things feel overwhelming, ask yourself, "How do you eat an elephant?" The answer is, "One bite at a time." Don't overwhelm yourself. Instead of focusing on long-lasting results right after a setback, focus on today. Or, if that feels like too much, then aim for just this hour. Whatever it takes to get you through. Breaking it down into manageable, bite-sized chunks can keep you from feeling overwhelmed. You can try to create SMART goals.

Learn How to Surf

When faced with a trigger, urge surfing helps you "ride out" the intensity. It helps us "ride out" emotional waves without acting impulsively, creating space between the emotional response and our actions and giving us a better chance of managing our triggers.

Frog in the Water

Have you ever heard the parable about the frog in the water? If a frog is placed in boiling water, it will know it's in danger and immediately jump out. But if a frog is placed in cool water that is gradually heated, it will not realize the danger until it's too late.

What does that have to do with recovery and healing? It's an excellent metaphor because we can sometimes be unaware of risks around us because they can happen gradually.

Setbacks are a gradual process. They start with the slippery slope of small changes in your thinking or behaviors: isolation, angry outbursts, lies, romanticizing past use, increased checking or monitoring, and then escalate from there.

What is the Good?

Look for the good. I know this can be a challenge after a setback, but instead of asking yourself, "What good is it?" ask yourself, "What is the good?" This can help you shift toward optimism and positivity, helping your brain move toward healthier pathways. Having an attitude of gratitude makes a big difference in our recovery and healing. Remind yourself that you're a constant work in progress. No one is perfect. Focus on how far you've come rather than how far you have to go.

You're in Charge

Remember, you’re in the driver’s seat of your recovery and healing. Being proactive can help you recognize changes before they become bigger challenges. Build a toolkit with resources and support you can turn to when you need them. That might include counseling, inpatient or outpatient treatment when appropriate, support groups or meetings, learning more about addiction or betrayal trauma, or using workbooks and other recovery and healing tools.

Your recovery and healing deserve your time and attention. Think about how much time and energy addiction, betrayal trauma, triggers, or simply trying to get through the day can take from you. You’re worth investing some of that time and energy back into yourself.

Passions

Ask yourself what you were passionate about before you started using or before your loved one started using. For me, it was writing, as if you couldn't tell. What is it for you? Finding something you're passionate about, a hobby, can give you a healthy outlet to pour your energy into and keep you away from unhealthy behaviors.

Be Your Own Cheerleader

Celebrate your wins—all of them, even the small ones. If you're coming off a setback, celebrate days one, two, and three. Remember, every positive step forward is progress.

While we don't want setbacks to happen, they can be a part of many of our journeys. They were a part of mine, my ex-husband's, and many of my clients'.

The important thing is to hold space for yourself or your loved one and not jump to judgment or shame. We need to embrace self-compassion and recommit to our healthy habits. You're not alone. I'm in your corner, and I'm rooting for you! Never forget, you’re a superstar!!

Let’s Stay Connected

If this resonates with you, I’d really love to know. You can comment below or email me. You’re also invited to join other Bookenders on Reddit.

And if you’re looking for deeper exercises, I wrote Bookends of Recovery & Healing Workbook to help you heal from betrayal trauma and addiction by using creative exercises, action tools, and guided reflection.

Warmly,
Laura 🌻